Sweet Child

Sweet Life
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2001-12-29 01:40:52 (UTC)

Losing Christina

I have reached the point in my life where I have lost
everyone. Let me explain what it is like fo rme. Well my
entire life there has always been someone that has meant so
much to me that I have lost. It started with one person.
One person that I don't even know, but is suppose to mean
just so much to me. And as much as I don't want to admit
that I needed him, I did. But may be I really didn't. Well
the years went on & more of those people kept coming into
my life. Soon I found myself only paying attention to those
who were gone. I was like this little girl looking out a
window. And on the other side of the window were all the
people that I have lost. I just kept looking out there. I
couldn't turn away. My eyes were glued to the window. They
always have been. I sit there looking out the window,
wondering why these people had left. Wondering why they
couldn't be inside this house with me. Why they chose to go
outside. I wondered what was so wrong with the inside of
the house that they had to leave. I wanted to be out there
with them. But I couldn't go, I couldn't leave behind the
other people inside the house. But it hurt so bad. I felt
abandoned inside that house. I know I had great people in
there with me, but it was just to heard to look away. I
wanted to brack the window. To pull down the shades. But I
wasn't strong enough to break it, I hadn't grown enough to
reach the shades. And the people just kept adding up. And
all I could do is sit there & watch. Then, this one person
comes along & changed everything. This one person didn't
leave. This person pulled down the shade & was stong enough
to turn me around to face the people still here. So I could
look at them. So I could be happy. And I was. He stood
infront of the window so I never turned around. He held me
facing the people inside. It was great. For the first time
in my life I was living. I was really truly living in this
house I was meant to live in. Breathing, happily in his
arms. With the people who always stood behind me. All they
could do was hope that I turned around away from the
window. And finally I did. But I knew I couldn't do it
without this person. He was stronger than I. Then, I
started to lose the feeling of his arms holdning me. I
didn't pay much attention because I was too busy being
happy myself & didn't bother to do what I had to for me. I
was selfish. I was happy & that was all I cared about. Soon
the people started lookin blurry again. I couldn't feel the
hands holding me to face that way. I could suddenly feel
that sunlight from the window beating on my back. Then I
realized he was gone. And I was facing the window. This
time when I looked out there, he was there too. With the
rest of them. I didn't even see him leave. I was stupid
because I let him go. I let him slip out the door. I pound
on the window hoping it will break. The only thing stopping
me from going outside. But I knew it was bad outside. It
was a place of loss. A place I wanted to be, but was afraid
of. The window break but my arm is stuck in this glass. It
won't stop bleeding, I can't get it out. And now the people
inside are mad at me because I broke the window. The pain
won't stop, there's nothing I can do, but sit here & wait.
I so helpless. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid, now the only
thing I have left to lose is myself. But have I already lost that?

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