2001-12-29 01:19:50 (UTC)

mind falling

for the past 3 or so days, my mind has been in a very
strange trance. the trance that i used to get when i got
insane, painful fits every now and then. now, its like one
long long fit. i can't shake this feeling. even in teh
mornings, i still feel the pain. usually, sleep always
clears all my emotions. maybe its because ive been
sleeping in way too long. it gives my mind time to collect
its past thoughts while im barely awake for an hour or
two. anyway, due to these events, and looking at the
patterns that show this pain will increase, ill try to
escape it by using buddhist methods. ill still keep my
christian beliefs, but also use some buddhist methods and
philosophies as well. ill try to rid myself of dukkha
(desire) and live with nothing holding me back. i realized
some hours ago im already on my way, since i don't give a
shit about anything, i guess thats some sort of start.
anyway, ill try to force my mind that doesn't care to shift
that feeling into a state of mind of enlightenmnet, slowly
but surely, hope my subconscious doesn't catch on and try
to kill me. that fucker. o well, i haven't been feeling
like typing for a while, and ive finally started to, its
been a couple weeks. all i know, is that im still on that
huge drop in my oscillation. its gonna get a lot worse.
but when i increase, i think that would be when i finally
get some sort of foothold in my spirituality, at least a
start. then at the peak, my spirituality would be in
pretty good condition, but then i bet my mentality will
decrease, becoming insane, probably lost some spirituality,
and coming pretty close to suicide. then, im guessing,
mercury would bring me on that next rise. then at the
peak, she'll die or soemthing i dunno. so at least 2 more
drops, including this one. i think i might be able to
handle it. it depends, could take months, could take
decades. so whatever, ill just admit myself to an asylum
if things get too messed. well, thats that and im so sick
of writing already, i wonder whats wrong.
http://bite.to/consume (shit, i haven't updating that