Pandora's Box
2001-12-28 10:25:51 (UTC)

Body Blues


2:02 a.m.

I'm home, and tired of being here. Want to go back to school.
Want to drop the fifteen pounds that won't go away. Want to get back
to where I can work out and not eat easily. I have to lose 70-80
pounds. 65 to be normal, 70 to be gorgeous, 75 or 80 if I want to
get serious about dance. And I'd like to get serious about dance but
that won't happen if I'm still fat in the fall.
I can't decide if I wanna do the grapefruit thing or the no
bread thing or the no fat thing or the no food thing. I think I may
start with the grapefruit thing just to have something quick and
motivating. It would help if I weren't at home lamenting all the
weight I'd gained. It would also help if I didn't have to keep
listening to my mother-'I've lost twelve pounds!' which I'm sure is
a big deal to her, but now that she's down to a 14 and I'm up to
a 14 I'm not feeling great about her looking at my clothes like, 'I
could probably wear that.' Not what I want to hear. Not that I'm not
happy for her, it's just not the best time. But the plan next
semester is to lose as much weight as possible in as little time as
possible no matter what. Fad dieting, restricting fasting; whatever,
but never more than 800 calories a day. I can be down to 140 and in
a size eight (either or) by the end of May. I'd like to hit both by
the time most of my friends come home from school, especially now
that my hair is growing out nicely. (gotta have the whole package.)
And I'm gonna start Clinique's skin care regimen so I can have a
great body, great hair and flawless skin. After that I'll tie up
odds and ends like waxing and dental (I'm thinking of bleaching)this
summer. But I figure if I can't have who I want (more about that
later, maybe) I might as well get back to a place where I was able
to cheer myself up by wearing a mini skirt and watching guys react
to me. (God, that was fun!) I also decided that I need to weight
lift and strength train. I won't be happy until my abs look like
Halle Berry's did in Swordfish. Or at least until I have that line
defined below my hips that I love on guys. I get the feeling my
mother thinks I'm going to be fat forever. Or at least that she has
no idea what I have planned for me. But that's okay. Being
underestimated makes the end result even sweeter. I figure, I've
seen what Ron's sister looked like before she modeled. Not that she
was ever unattractive, but the way she looks now is so drop dead
gorgeous one can't help but stare. Maybe it's just a chick thing (we
always check out other chicks)but when I see pictures I can't help
but gawk and then I have to stop because the more I see her the more
I hate me. I always feel/have always felt that my potential is
realized and not actualized. It is so frustrating. Especially
compared to the way I used to take pride in my body. Today I
stretched my legs and there was no muscle tone in my calves
whatsoever. I could've been sick.
Oh, so much work to do. And I still have to go to class.