Dookie

Mind of a Wierdo
2001-12-28 07:54:11 (UTC)

Yea well time TICKS not FLIES

Okay well I can see that way toooo many days have gone by
and there is a lot to say. Merry Christmas by the way to
all of you. Well ...... nevermind. I guess I can say that
Christmas was alright. Still gloomy over all sorts of
things. Chris has crossed his mind and had the nerve to
tell me on our "eleven month anniversary" (whatever the
hell that means ..... yes I kno what it means but why count
the months) anyways he decides to say then that he has
thought about breaking up with me countless times for some
other chick. And just from that I dont kno how to act when
I am with him .... I cant joke with him the way I could
before, I seem to be cluttered with my emotions, and I dont
kno how to talk to him. I mean he makes it that much more
difficult. He probably won't ever know how much he hurts me
cus I dont kno how to tell him how I feel and other then
that it is all right here and he knows about my die-ary but
I can guarantee he probably will never read it. I love him
to death, but I don't kno what to do anymore. This other
chick (which by the way was friends with me or so she acted
but she has always hated me because I had more "guy
friends") is always going to get the best of him. I always
realize that I get the left overs. I notice that he will go
to the mall with me once every month ... but if it were her
asking .... he would jump to it everyday. I tell Chris that
I lost him ... that he doesnt "love" me the way he says
does and all he can do to cover his ass is to get mad at
me. If he is upset with someone else ... he takes his anger
out on me. I notice that I "bug" him more. And I have come
to realize that he is annoyed at the way I am. He finds
some way to get mad at me for the things I do, say, dress,
think, my opinions on other chicks, or other stuff, he
finds some way to bring me down. And it works... I get hurt
by it so bad that I just want to cry, but I am stronger
then that and I hold back my tears so much that I give
myself a headache. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't
hold them back ..... and well duh I cry. But I cant do it
in front of Chris ...... because he will think about it for
five minutes and then act as if it never happened. Like the
only person he cares about or thinks about is not me. I
know that this is not a "healthy" relationship .... but I
feel different with him. In a way that I have never felt
with anyone else. I feel comfortable with him. And right
now I feel bad because all I can do is complain about how
fucked up my "relationship"
is. ........................................................
............................................................
...............................Hey Timmy! How are things?
Hello mother .... yes I feel terrible. Hello reader .... I
dont kno you but hello. By the way mother isn't my mom she
is Kitty my ummmm ... other mom. yea. I am to believe that
they are the only two people that read this. Or so it seems
to be that way. Okay well ...... I should end this
here ....... I will be sure to write again ... SOON .... I
hope ....... I really do hope. (By the way if I dont make
it back in time Happy New Year!)