* - K - *

My thoughts and stuff
2001-12-28 05:46:33 (UTC)

My Little Dilema

Well this seems to be a very complex situation. Let me
start out by saying that I love Ian so much, but things
change when you go to college and leave the familiarity of
high school. So, I met Ian my sophomore year of high
school. He was such a babe, of course I immediately fell
crazy head over heels in love with him. Although his
feelings were not reflected back to me. So, for about two
months I believed that Ian was into me, until I found out
that he was dating (kind of secretly) this girl Amie. Boy
was I pissed. Talk about a major heartbreak, I was almost
positive that he was going to ask me out. So, I decided of
course that men could not be trusted and I was a fool to
think that he was into me in any way what so ever. Then,
the summer after sophomore year I came to Iowa to stay the
summer with my dad. What a twist this semi-vacation led me
into. My friend Kelly said she knew this totally hot guy,
so she wanted to go by his work and see him, she made it
seem to me that this boy was by far taken by her. So, we
go, and I meet him, and this brother is fine, like I am not
talking average, but I mean, just flat out hot. For some
reason the sheer image of him there carving meat would not
allow me to speak to him, thus, causing him to think that I
was this stuck up Californian. A few nights later, and me
obsessing over his cuteness led me back to the same
restaurant with the family. How embarassing, right? To be
seen with your family, oh my gosh.. Well, my friend Ashley
who also works there comes up to me and says, hey Mason
thinks you are pretty cute, and if you are going to be at
the pool tomorrow, he will be too. Of course I was not
going to go to meet him at the pool if he couldn't even ask
me to meet him there himself. But, oddly enough my friend
Alisha wanted to go swimming, so we ended up there anyways.
It was compelte and utter torture. Then finally, he came
over, and we started talking, what a babe. He asked me if I
wanted to go out that night to a movie or something and of
course I did. So when I go home to ask my father, he just
says, I don't feel comfortable letting my 15 year old
daughter go out with this boy I don't even know. So we
settled, and I ended up being able to go to his house
instead of out of town. Boy was that the wrong way to send
me. At first it was awkward, but luckily enough, we had
rented a scary movie (In Dreams) which led me into his arms
soon enough. Then one glance up later we are kissing, man
was that kiss good. Next thing I know we are making out
like crazy. What I thought was going to be a regular night
of awkwardness ended up to be the beginning of the most
interesting two years of my life. For the rest of the
summer Mason and I spent nearly every waking moment
together, it was nothing short of incredible. He was two
years older than me, had his own car, and had the looks of
a young god. Then like all good things, this one came to an
end. With promises of: I love you, it will work out, we are
meant to be together, I left him with a sense of happiness,
in my naive mind I believed everything he told me.
Something of a fairy tale, but I was to immature to realize
it. Two months later, into the school year, without a
single card and a measly two or three phone calls, it came
out of no where, it was over. Long distance relationships
don't work, and it "hurt him to not be able to be with me".
Whatever. Many gallons of ice cream, late night talks with
my best friend, and e-mails pleading him to change his mind
and not let it be over, I finally came to the conclusion
that men suck. No matter what. My first real heartbreak. My
first real love was over, never to return again. I vowed to
become a nun (what a crazy idea that was). So, with the
help of my mother and many friends, I got over it, as we
always do. I started 'seeing' one of my friends Frank, but
when he wanted to practically be engaged I had to end that
too, I mean, I was only sixteen for crying out loud. I
didn't want to be married. Next came my mini-obsession with
this cute red-head Daniel, a year older than me, and what I
thought would be a fun little thing. It ended up that he
was desperately in love with some other girl, but none-the-
less he continually flirted with me, and I thought I had
reason to believe there might some day be something. In the
midst of my obsession came Ian again. What seemed to be a
distant memory of my beginnings in love came this new found
creature, whom I hadn't really paid any attention to the
past year. In fact I made it blatantly obvious that I
wanted to have nothing to do with him. But many phone
calls, and occassional flirting in classes and such,
brought back some old feelings for this dark haired hottie.
Despite my best friends heated warnings I ended up kissing
Ian the night of the Valentine's Day dance on February
18th, 2000. This seemed to be the best decision of my life
at the time, damn he was a good kisser, and he had such a
nice bootie. This is where it starts to get tricky.
Obviously my best friend knows what is best for me, but I
had to go against her. I know I must have greatly pissed
her off, I mean for the last two months all I did was talk
about how great Daniel was and blah, blah, blah, that has
got to get old, but then when I decided I was over that
whole situation and kissed Ian, I must have sent her over
the roof. Oh well. All is not lost, Katie and I are still
best friends, and no tears were shed over this kiss. It
ended up that Ian and I would 'date' but not be boyfriend
and girlfriend, until I couldn't deal with all the crap I
was getting from everyone at school, so on March 15 he
asked me to be his official girlfriend. Of course I said
yes. The next three months were completely wonderful,
dates, junior prom, making out, it was grand. Then the
annual pilgrimage to Iowa came up again with threats of the
ex-boyfriend lingering from behind the darkness. I left
determined not to see him, to stay true to Ian, but with
one line, and promises that he had changed, it good-bye
Ian, hello Mason. Definately the all time worst decision of
my life. The summer went by very quickly and things were
even better with Mason then they were before. Once again
when I left there were promises of we can make it work this
time, blah blah. Lies, all LIES! But, once again, I thought
what had not worked out in the beginning maybe had a change
this time. Boy , didn't I learn? Of course not. Well, it
ended up that he cheated on me and I had to find out the
hard way. That one hurt. When I got back to California in
my hometown the constant buzz was about how Kristina
stabbed Ian in the back. I was angry with him for some
reason, when I knew I should be angry with Mason and
myself. Funny how the ones to get hurt are usually the
target of unneccessary evil (poor Ian). Ian and I talked
for a long time about my easy replacement of him, how he
was hurt, and how he was angry with me. How could he not
be? Well, it so happened that Ian and I kissed two days
before Mason broke up with me. This hurt me to no end, I
don't know why, because he had cheated on me, and I was
determined to end the relationship by Monday. I think the
reason I was so upset, was because, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BREAK
UP WITH HIM! It wasn't fair that he got to break my heart
again. This greatly confused Ian. I guess I am a very
complex girl. Ian and I ended up getting back together, I
thank my lucky stars that he is one forgiving individual
and loved unconditionally. We went to Senior Homecoming
together, both on the court. Our relationship seemed
normal, like nothing had ever really happened. Except for
in the occassional fights when we would say nasty things to
each other about the past. That was never a good thing.
Months past and then Ian said he needed space, I freaked
out, even though he didn't want space at all, which was
later resolved. Boy we needed to learn to communicate huh?
It ended up that I discovered that I really truley loved
Ian, funny how after all those mistakes I made I finally
realized it. The rest of the school year went by pretty
smoothly, the occassional fighting, but that is normal, you
can't live forever peacefully. The thought of June and
graduation hoovered over us, the fear of the close of high
school was over bearing. However, we pushed on, Ian is my
best friend, I don't really know when he gained that title,
but it just ended up that along with Katie, he was my best
friend at the male equivalent. This made our togetherness
that much sweeter. Winter formals, Friday night dates in
the city, Senior prom, class trip, Grad night, all
unforgetable events. Then graduation. The reality of this
whole, moving on with my life never real hit me until
moments before we were about to start the procession. I was
an emotional wreck on the inside but had to be calm and
collected on the outside, too many people there to wrisk
emotional embarassment. Ian and I sat side by side as we
held the future in our hands. The accomplisments of the
last twelve years on a single sheet of paper. Many memories
to be shared. Ian was expected to leave for the Army
Reserves in July. Talk about a tought road to cross. It
ended up that his deployment was two weeks later due to
some discrepancy of paper work, good news for me, in a way.
Ian left the day my great grandmother died, only I didn't
know she had passed away until after I returned home from
telling the one I loved good bye. The next two weeks seemed
to be a midevil form of torture. My mother liked Ian very
much and knew how much he meant to me. So, in order to
avoid the typical lying in bed crying depression she tried
to keep me as busy as possible, going to little craft
things with her. It worked that is until she went to bed,
and I was left alone, pouring myself into old love letters
and pictures, the teddy bear he bought me for my birthday
endedup being the most painful memory. He bought it for me
so I would have something to snuggle with if he was ever
not available when I needed him. The clothes he left me
that night to take home with me made things a lot worse
too. The simple smell of him sent me bursting into tears.
The lip gloss on the photos of him from the constant
kissing, the many miles of tissue strewn across my floor
from trying to stop crying, all signs that I needed to
move on. It wasn't like he was going to be gone forever,
really, but six months seems like forever when the one you
love is leaving. The next morning after a lack of sleep,
while showering, I realized that I could survive without
Ian right next to me. I was determined. It proved to be
difficult, but I have survived. The next few months to come
proved to be a little bit overwhelming. As if Ian's
leaving, and his absence weren't enough, I moved out of my
comfy house with my parents into an unfamiliar apartment
with girls I had never really meant. College life was fun,
but I think I should have focused more on studying than
partying. Such is life. I joined a sorority, Alpha Chi
Omega, this meant a lot of time commitment. Then I met Sam.
We started dating, but it was made clear that I didn't want
anything serious, however the casual dating turned out to
become a little more serious than I had planned. Sam
decided to fall in love with me, which is simply not
allowed by any standards. I mean, I love being with him, he
is such a fun person, but to me, he is just a friend, a
really close friend. I don't understand why I can't meet a
guy without them falling in love with me, and they all feed
me the same line of crap. I guess when it comes to
relationships I am like a guy, but what can I do about
that? Nothing really. So now, I am caught in the middle of
this unseemingly endless dilema of what do I do, I don't
want to hurt either of them. Sam is a totally awesome
friend, and I love hanging out with him. But I LOVE Ian. I
love everything about him. The correct answer is to
continue to be with Ian, because true love always prevails
no matter what the circumstance, so that is what I will do,
but I just have problems telling people no. Especially in
situations such as this, because I don't want anyone to be
hurt. I suppose that since this is my current situation, my
story is over. Ian has return from his training, and is
still in love with me, as I am with him. He has been
completly faithful and hasn't even touched another girl,
what more could I ask for? Nothing. I love him. If you have
any comments or similar stories, please, tell me! :)