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2001-12-27 17:16:12 (UTC)


Well so far today I ate....

1. a bowl of cereal (3/4 cup of mini chex 110 cal. with 1/2
cup milk 65 cal.) 175 cal.

2. a grild cheese sandwich...not sure how many cals..but I
will estimate probably 200 or 250.

3. I was bad and ate 4 oreos...BAD JULIE! 214 cal.

4. 1/2 mountain dew code red 110 cal.

Total...750 cal.

Ummmmm,I went way over! By about 250 calories! That sucks
No more food for the day, and tomorrow....NO OREOS!
It's not that hard, and I can't believe I let myself eat
that. So this is a very depressing way to start of a
diet. But maybe its better to work myself slow at first.
I think I may go to the gym in a little bit. I haven't
gone since before christmas. I think this has been the
longest I have ever gone not going since I started my
membership 2 summers ago.

Right now I'm listening to Usher's "You Remind Me". Damn
he is one hott black person. I don't want that to sound
bad, cuz I love all races! I just am not attracted
sexually to a lot of them. But Usher, ooooh lemme tell you!

But anyways...
I have a better idea. I can go to the gym and exercise all
the calories that I went over! Not all of them, because I
promised Jimmy I wouldn't go back to my over-exercise
sickness. Its just so tempting tho. I want to. My mind
is telling me I have to, but I'm trying to be strong. I
just wish I wasn't so obsessed! Ugh, Sometimes I really
hate myself.

My boyfriends best friend is going out with this bitch, she
hurt him so many times before. I don't understand why he
could go back. But I guess if Jimmy broke up with me and
asked me back out I would say yes in an instant.
Me and Jimmy got in a fight last night, and I had to drive
home at like 11:30. I was so tired and I fell asleep on
the highway. I ran of the road and into a ditch by the
offramp I get off at. It was scary but I'm glad I didn't
hit anyone. I'm glad I ran off the road instead. I got
stuck in the snow for a few min, but I got out. I was so
mad tho. And me and Jimmy were talking when I got home,
and we fought some more. I just hate fighting with him.
Because I get so hard on myself. I know in the back of my
mind I have a right to be happy, but I still have a bad
mind set from my ED. At least I know what my issue is now
instead of being totally blind. I didn't think I had an
eating disorder at all. But now I know that the way I
think is wrong. And thats what hurts me the most. That I
hurt myself and everyone else. I'm just not supposed to be
happy, thats how I've always felt. And then the people at
the partical program told me it was wrong and I should
start doing things for myself. But whenever I tried, I
would get slapped down. No one lets me. It's just the
role of life I live. People depend on me to blame their
problems on.
Yesterday morning my mom got angry with me because I
apologized for yelling at her. And she didn't except it.
So she walked away, and I went and gave her a hug and she
started shaking and hitting me all over my back. It hurt
so bad. But I guess my yelling was not forgivable.
I just wish she could love me. How do I make it so hard.
Everything with my mom and jimmy exploded inside me and I
did something I haven't in a long time. I cut myself. Now
before people go and write messages to me about how wrong
it is, think about what you say. Because you will be
making someone who isn't stable more unstable. I do this
because I cannot deal with the pain I cause other people
and I can't feel myself sometimes. I don't live for me
anymore. I haven't for a long time. It's a release and to
reashure myself I'm actually alive and flowing blood
through my body. Sometimes life gets so hard, and I've
been in the same deep hole for over 3 years....just digging
deeper, cuz no one knows how to help me, or no one can give
me the help I need(money wise, our insurance doesn't cover
for it anymore, I can't even see my counselor anymore! FUCK
BLUE CHOICE!) I'm sick and depressed. So don't hurt my
feelings. I don't know how well I can take criticsm right

Well I'm gonna go look at everyone elses diarys so I can
try to get me of my mind.


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