AngeL w/o WinGs

InSide You'Re uGLy

Today was a day for self reflection. Who I really am. How
the world percieves me...how I percieve myself. If I am a
good person....or if I'm really not. Sometimes I wonder
where I am going in life.....if I am just wasting away my
days.
Sometimes I feel like the walls are closing
in....like emotions are chasing me constantly, but I am too
fast for them(borrowed that line from James). There are no
times that I feel....I dunno....free? I always feel like
there is something right behind me....catching up, and Ive
just gotta keep moving. Actually I DID stop for it once.
Ha...wow those 6 months are 6 months that will be etched in
my mind forever. Pure love and sincere happiness, every
moment i felt that good...free...vibe flowing through me,
stronger and stronger. I never saw an ending....but there
was one, as everything ends in its own time.
The thought of getting older freaks me out. It's
like....the responsibilities, they will tie me down, and
this is my youth...and after this....it's over. i dunno, i
cant put into words the fear i have.
Sometimes life seems to crumble before my very own
eyes. To have someone die, and you not know how to
react.....Tears are the obvious reactions, but somehow that
doesnt work for me. i dont cry, cuz it never hits me....i
never accept that theyre dead, and nothing feels
different...its like a dream, and then slowly their face
seems to fade away, and the hurt is swallowed, and the pain
subsides....w/ the unshed tears.
I often find myself screaming at the top of my
lungs....in mute. And my heart is pounding with my rising
adrenaline, and all I feel is......like I am collapsing in
quicksand.
Today my mom was talking about something
interesting. Like kun shu or sumthin like that, it was in a
book she read, and it said you had to get rid of things you
hadnt used in the past 6months, unless it was like an
heirlome, because by not letting it go...you are holding
onto the past, and as long as you still have the past in
your heart, new good things could not come into your life.
I found this to be inspiring. Is it time? Is it time to let
go....of all those feelings that took over my life for so
long? I don't know if it'd even do any good anyways, I mean
the pain, insecurities, anger, everything that came along
with that pretty much ate up my heart, and now I find it
hard to FEEL anymore. But if I don't let go...this is going
to keep happening, I am going to keep missing out, on
everything I know I need. And no I'm not just talking about
boyfriends, because they arent THAT important, i'm talking
about EVERYTHING. If I could just let it go....I will work
on that. In the meantime I will work on that whole anti
committment fear engrained in my head.
Most people are good at heart....in my opinion.
Like my father for instance. At heart he must be the
kindest man alive. Like it's just the vibe I get from him.
My mom....my mom is good at heart with corruption due to
odd issues in her life that I don't want to get into. Me? I
would say I am a good person at heart...but not nearly as
good as a person that the world may percieve me as. I'm no
saint, I think maybe because the world sees me as this kind
unhating person...that it sorta pushes me to continue along
that path, its a weird messed up cycle. Marisa.....I don't
know how to say this, because I really do love her, and I
don't know why. But my best friend, I do not see much good
in her. I see a heartless girl. But I love her, so there
must be something there. Joe.......must be one of the most
loving souls out there. Heaven is not good enough for this
boy. I see more unconditonal love and support and
protection in his eyes than I see anywhere else. I could
die in his arms happy, just because in his arms I would
know I'd be safe, because that's just Joe. My love for Joe
is like no other....it is hard for me to express. And
yet....I could not fall in love with him, I don't know why.
I could not date him, I could not do any of that with him,
but I can love him....it's a strange reality that he hates.
My best friend, I confide everything in him, and he sees my
pain...just as I see his, I can feel his pain. But, it
kills me to be the object of his hopelessly broken heart. I
wish so much I could fix it all, but I can't. It hurts me,
each time his heart breaks a little more, and I feel it in
my own heart...this great tremble that just screws us all
over.

Music: "Outside" -Staind

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