the writing of kuypers
2001-04-09 13:31:56 (UTC)

All The Details

All The Details
(Conscious of It)
"head up my"

October 24 - November 17, 1998

- this is what I go through -

I wonder if it's just easier sometimes to think that you
didn't die, that you were just ignoring me. Would it be
easier then? Would I think that maybe you're somewhere
missing me, feeling that hole in your heart where a
relationship with me would go? Is it that way it's supposed
to be done? f you were alive you'd still want to call me.
And that always bothered me then, but I miss it now. I want
to be ittitated with you, and I want to be able to talk to
you, to pass the time with you, to know that you're there to

Maybe if you were alive somewhere I could just be angry with
you. Maybe then I wouldn't miss you.

Maybe you know that I cared about you, and still do, maybe
you know it hurt me when you were gone. It hurts me still

Maybe I should have gone to your funeral, maybe I should
have seen your body, maybe I could have seen the color of
your skin or the needle marks near your lips they used to
put your mouth together. Maybe I needed to see these things

But I don't know if I was ready; I still don't know if I am
ready. Maybe I wouldn't have so much to say to you, maybe I
wouldn't expect you to come back

I wondered what it was like for you to be in pain, if you
thought it was the end for you, if you knew what was going
on. I got one of your earrings yesterday I think it was the
last one you wore. I wanted to have something to remember
you by other than these damn memories. We should have had
more memories together you know. Maybe it's better this way;
I think this to keep me sane. But if everyone is right and
you know my thoughts then I suppose you know what I go

When I needed to talk to you, I called. Or you called me
instead. It was almost like I had a brother there, who was
always willing to listen to me, who was always wanting to
put up with me. My question to you is this: were you always
willing to put up with me? Did you thi