the writing of kuypers
2001-04-09 13:31:11 (UTC)



August 29, 1998

a day with you can
be a month
and in a month
we can live a lifetime.

Why do the days seem so impossible to overcome now

months make time disappear
when you seem to disappear
from my thoughts, from my sight
and then someone has to go and remind me
and all my thoughts of you come rushing back
and I don't know where you go while you're gone
why am I forced to remember you

no one seems to have the answers
I have been looking for, so should I stop looking

How many times will I be forced to remember
the past, my saying good-bye to you
I wish you could know a fraction
of the thoughts that have been in my head
since your death, since mine

I keep wondering when my life will start, who will
protect me from all my bad dreams. The dreams
keep coming to me, just so you know.

I've wanted to tell you for so
many minutes, so many months, so many years,
so many lifetimes, so many eons, that
I still miss you

I wish I knew how you felt. About me.
this is the gist of dreams
I still fruitlessly dream about
This is my life now

Is someone just pulling one big joke on me,
putting their hands over my eyes
wen is everything supposed to just get better
I see the painting that you did and I
think of you and I still feel sad

I had the whole image in my mind
I was in the hospital recovering from surgery
you to visit me
and the doctors were mad
and I was almost unconscious
and you tried to talk to me
I tried to make sense in my head
out of what you were saying,
and I kept asking you if you were alive
that was all I could come up with
you kept asking me "what", and still wanted me to
never give you the right answer,
the answer to a question I never heard
maybe I knew what the question was
but I wanted the answers I had for
you to just come spilling out of my mouth

I know you won't believe it
but I will love you
I know you loved me
and it was wrong for me
to withhold it from you

I didn't know what to tell you
at the times when you needed it most
I wish I could fill in all of the gaps
I needed to learn and so did you
maybe we can one day forgive each other
teach each other a thing or two one day
I'm sorry now, I'm sorry later. Forgive me.

I know you deserved so much more than me
most people did
I was mean
that was how I felt when I died