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2001-12-26 05:17:59 (UTC)

already im so lonely i could die...

well christmas is over. it was a pretty good one.
definetely better than last year. i'm bitter tonight, but
the day was good.. except i was alternating puking and
sleeping all day.. it was still good.. comforting day..
my parents went crazy and i feel bad... they got me
everything to start a dark room, a beauuutiful sparkly
purple guitar, and a digital camera. and the best blanket
in the whole wide world, its down and big and purple and
so soft and comfortable i want to wrap up in it and stay
forever. i wanted her to come over tonight really really
bad. like. everyone i know is with their boyfriend or
girlfriend tonight... and i went out with some friends
robin and chaz and nik and tammy and lizzie and sandy (gr)
and erin but i still felt lonely.. and it was cus she was
at a party.. like. im trying to think shes not with that
girl but i think she might be and i tried to call her when
she told me to, and it rang like 4 times and she was
like "i'l call you back" and she called back like 10-15
minutes later and i know im crazy but the whole thing made
me feel sad. and she even asked if i'd be disappointed if
i dont see her tonight and she knew i would and it was
like "oh okay, you will, okay well in that case, i'm STILL
guna stay at this party and not see you." you know?
like.. i dont know. im not mad i was a little mad earlier
but im more sad like i wanted to see her at least for a
little bit tonight and if that girls there i will be very
very angry so im not even guna ask because like how come
SHE gets to see her on christmas and i dont and how come
SHE gets a title and i dont especially if they werent ever
doing whatever which i still think they were cus she never
really said they werent and i dont know thats not the point
i just feel lonely... i cant even talk to ashley cus shes
with her girlfriend... imagine that.. i just dont like when
people know they are making me sad and they still do it
like i wouldnt do anything to make her sad if i knew i was
and if i did i would try to fix it i would be more
concerned then just "oh okay you'll be disappointed? well
im guna go drink some more and do whatever it is im doing
that i cant even pick up the phone or talk when you call
and oh you're sad? well i'll talk to you tomorrow then."
nevermind. im done with all that im just getting sad.

anyway. i just got off the phone with matt. sigh. its not
good for me to have him around being so nice right now. i
really really hope she doesnt fuck me over. like i dont
know what i would fucking do.

im going to sarasota tomorrow=) to see nikki. i cant see
sam cus i cant get ahold of him and that makes me really
upset... i dont even know if i can see kendra cus shes
never home and she'll probably be with brigg. she spends
like every second of every day with him shes marrying him
and spending the rest of her life with him and shes my best
friend in the whole world and she still cant make time for
me when i drive all the way down there. it makes me very
sad too but i know i fucked up so. shit sucks.

im going to go to bed now because i dont want to get sad at
the end of a good christmas and you cant be sad when youre

"every place i go i think of you.. kiss me and smile for
me, tell me that you'll wait for me, hold me like you'll
never let me go..."

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