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2001-12-26 05:10:39 (UTC)

"thinking too much"

It's cold in my house right now. Even when I stand by the
fireplace, I'm still freezing. I had a great Christmas,
spent a lot of time eating and sitting around. I do wish
that he were around right now or that we were up at school
again, get into a cozy bed, get ready for a good night of
sleeping and keeping warm.
I miss him a lot. I'm not sure how I feel about that,
because it's a different kind of missing. It's comforting
that I'll see him in only twelve more days, and I talk to
him a lot. I feel a lot more.. I guess controlled.. or
sedated is a better word for it. I'm tranquilized for the
time being. I haven't been going crazy over this break
with boredom and letting myself cry because I can't stand
being without him etc. I don't know why, maybe it's the
codene. Ha.
I'm worried though. I was afraid that I was losing hope
with him awhile back, when I was at a bad point in the
semester, a crying, perpetually jump from a numbed-then-frantic
I'm afraid because I was really hurt towards what WASN'T
happening. I was hurt because no matter how much I moaned,
he always had to go to sleep when I wanted to fool around
and get up for a class at 9:00. Nothing was being done to
remedy what I was feeling... and I felt so helpless to
begin with. He doesn't know what to do for me. Neither do
I. I am afraid that I've begun to lose more faith in him
and in the stuff that we share and what kind of love we had
in short term. I don't know, I'm afraid that I haven't
been with him enough to be really in love with him this
semester. I mean, I'm with him all the time, and we don't
spend a single night apart, but something isn't there. And
we argue all the time. And there's so much that I should
probably tell him, like all of this, but for some reason i
don't really bother to do so--what's the use? It'll result
in another fight, me feeling helpless and stupid, and
crying and having no words because I'm so intimidated.
Awhile ago, over the summer I think, I was crying to him
about how I never see him. He comforted me with the
upcoming semester, and maybe even new years together. That
isn't going to happen, and I understand why--he usually
spends New Years with his friends--something about skiing.
I was really disappointed, of course I'm dying for long
stretches of time with jsut me and him and time with no
deadlines. But the other day, he mentioned that he might
not even do that, I mean, there's no snow. And to top it
off, he's not coming back to school until late Sunday
evening. Classes start on Monday. He has an 8 am. I
understand that his mother did buy the tickets, and that
they were cheaper for that specific flight (day).. but
it's another one of those things that just stands in the
way of me being with him.
The other night we got into an argument over this. I think
he feels really stifled by my clinginess, like I don't want
him to have a life outside of me. I hate hearing him say that,
because I know that he has every right to, but I'm doing it because I
need some kind of affirmation, know that whatever i felt so solidly
in short term could still exist. I just don't want to feel so
alienated and have these panic attacks.
I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm pathetic and I'm
just a good girl who wants to be with her boyfriend. But I
can't help it, I just want to be with him all the time.
I'm so worried that I'm losing love for him that I want to
have all the time I can to just rejuvenate SOMETHING in
me. I think I love him. I think I do. What am I doing?

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