Full-of-Wonder

Life
2001-12-25 22:26:17 (UTC)

What now?

Life. I think sometimes about life. I think about it a lot.
Of its purpose, of my purpose. Is life worth living without
the love. Without that someone special in your life. I once
thought I found that someone. So I'm young but he was
perfect. Just the thought of him brought a smile to my
face, brought happiness in my life. and then to talk to
him. Oh, our conversations were great. Ones that I'll never
forget. But it's over for us now. He ended it. The distance
he said. He couldn't take it. My happiness ended that night.

I wrote poems, poems that expressed the way I feel so well.
I cried myself to sleep the other night. Man I was so
caught up in my thoughts, of my questions I had, but had no
one to answer them. I write poems that express my feelings
so, so well. I just put my hand down and write whatever is
on my mind. Then, I'll look down. I'll read what I wrote,
what I was thinking. Suicide. I didn't mean psychically,
but man if I could emotionally. Just start over, have a new
perspective of things. I would, I'd kill off all those
emotions I felt. But wait. I want those.

I see my friends. So happy, so merry. Why can't that be me?
Always happy! I have the depression, the sadness. A friend
once told me that kids can be great actors in front of
their parents. He was right. My mom read some of my poems
the other day while cleaning my room. She said she didn't
mean to, I believe her. But she asked why a happy little
girl like me would write such depressing poems. I couldn't
explain. Not to her at least. She wouldn't understand. I
want to be happy, oh how I long to be happy. and I am at
days. but those horrid days when I'm not. I hate those
days. I hate them with all my heart. I want to change.

A new year is about to start. Can I change? Can I make
myself happy? What is it that I need to be happy? I have
the world's greatest parents, best brother, 2 wonderful
cousins, the 2 best friends that I know I wouldn't live
without, and that someone who'd I do anything for, even if
all we are is friends. what is it? What am I to do now?




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