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2001-12-25 09:45:35 (UTC)

Girl problems

Mood: Contemplative
Music: "Flavor of the Weak" by American Hi-Fi
Time: 6: 48 PM (12-25-01) Tokyo Standard Time

Before you even get started, I should warn that unless you
actually want to hear me go on and on about the women in my
life, today's entry is going to be very very boring. Today,
Christmas day, I'm going to pause for a minute to evaluate
my love life.

Basically, there are three women in my life right now. I'm
going to call them Amber (my girlfriend of a year and a
half who I've never met), Elena (a regular customer at the
cafe who I'm supposed to take out this coming Saturday),
and The Girl (I pinky swore not to mention her by name, but
she knows who she is).

I love Amber, there's no doubt in my heart about that.
We've been through so much together, between her losing me
to my real life and me losing her to an asshole (I saw that
prick coming from a mile away). After two break ups, we got
back together last month and decided we were going to be
very serious and very honest and that we'd work things out
because we are crazy about each other. When she's at
school, she writes me letters (which I get about half way
through my work day) from her school library just to put a
smile on my face. She's the sweetest girl in the world, and
I absolutely adore her. There are a few obstacles though.
Mainly, I have to stay here at the cafe until about 7 AM my
time to meet her ... and since she's still in school, she's
a little underage (its a long story, but I didn't find out
her age until months after we started "dating"). We've both
promised that we wouldn't do phone calls or mail each other
presents or anything until she's old enough. I'm hoping by
the time she's out of school, I'll be back state-side and
we might actually meet each other. Right now, I can't
imagine being in a more fulfilling (online) relationship.
She's sweet, cute, and (at times) very sexy. I honestly do
believe she's the one angel that was put on this planet for

Elena is really cute and she's been coming to the cafe for
a few months now, usually twice a week or so. One day, I
was talking to Reed when she paid, ducked into the restroom
for a minute, then came out and paused for a second before
abruptly introducing herself to me. She didn't say anything
to Reed, she was only interested in talking to me. Reed was
like "Dude, she likes you" and I'm totally oblivious when
it comes to women. I was actually kind of annoyed by the
conversation at the time because she interrupted Reed and
I. Since then, every time she visits, she sticks around to
chat for a while. She's cute, a little goofy (which isn't
necessarily a bad thing), but cute. She's also a few years
older than me (23 I think), not that it matters. I finally
asked her out a few nights ago and we have plans on
Saturday which is Reed's birthday (we're going with Reed
and his girlfriend) and its also sort of a last big party
before he leaves in early January. This is my first date
since I moved here a year ago, so I'm bugged out a little,
but I think it'll be fun.

The Girl is another online friend who I've flirted with for
a little while. She's very sexy, and Reed did a double-take
when he saw her picture (I think she's hot too). She also
lives in the state where Reed is moving to, so if I play my
cards right, I might actually get to meet her some day.
When I first met her, she was just another fun friend to
talk to and play around with ... but we've grown really
attached to each other. The last thing I want to do is hurt
her. I care about her a lot, but I see a lot of hurtin in
her too. I'm afraid if make the wrong move, I'll become
another jerk and another layer of pain that'll keep her
from being happy. I like her a lot, but the level our
relationship is at now doesn't compare to what I have with
Amber ... and The Girl wants me to dump her. Sometimes I
feel like she doesn't trust me, like she doesn't feel
comfortable opening up to me. If I broke up with Amber over
her, I just don't know how much more serious we'd become
and if it'd be worth what I threw away. But she's really
something special, and I want to help her find something
meaningful whether its accomplishing her dream or just
giving her some real and true love. Then there's the whole
sex thing ... I feel like I'm not the right kind of guy for
the kind of sex she wants. She's on the wild side, no doubt
about that, and I'm not. I think I'd feel lost trying to
please her, kind of like how Ben Affleck felt towards the
end of Chasing Amy (and we all know how that movie ends).
All in all ... I just feel confused about her. I want her,
but at the same time I'm worried about what I'd be getting
myself into ... and what I'd lose. She's very sexy, and
very sweet at the same time. There's so much to her that I
want to get to know and bring out.

If there were three of me, none of this would be a problem
at all. Chris #1 would go to Michigan and hold Amber and
live happily ever after, Chris #2 would date Elena and any
other real life girls that looked interested, and Chris #3
would be there to hold The Girl's hand and work her through
all she's been through and do whatever it took to make her
dreams come true, both in love and professionally. But
since there's only one of me, all three of these problems
just get all mixxed up. If things work out with Elena and
I, what do I tell Amber? What if I leave Amber, but I find
out I can't be the kind of man that The Girl wants? What
does it say about me that I actually care about the two
online girls a million times more than this real life girl?
My priorities are just getting all messed up, and I just
really don't know what I'm going to do.