ViOLeNtLy STaTeD

If I Told U, Would U Hate Me
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2001-12-25 09:05:31 (UTC)

This Is My Entry For Tomorrow ...

Well...I just finished talking to G and I'm glad I
got to because he's such a sweetie... I hope he finds out
who egged his car...
On another matter, My sister is on rite now but
she's doing something I don't know what and isn't available
for talking...its all good...I've been waiting for her to
get on all day and now that she is I can't talk to
her...BOO :O( ...
Rolly hasn't emailed yet but I hope he does
soon...I'm becoming more and more lonely with each passing
second...We talked on the phone the other day and he told
me he loved me...I started crying and I had to go...It's
been four months since I heard him say that...We've been
broken up for five...it's been five months before last week
since I was in Milpitas...Last time I saw him everything
was all gravy...when i went back to Vegas I hadn't heard a
word from anybody about him and I was so worried but then
when I was there last week and I couldn't even look him in
the face until the last day I was there and he was at my
hotel party...We talked for hours in the bathroom and then
he took me home...we hugged but no kiss...it just wasnt the
rite time ya know...well one day we'll be together
again...i still love him and i always will...
Im talking to my sis now... i feel the tears
starting to run down my cheek...its been so long since we
actually had a conversation that wasnt all cuss words and
put downs...i really miss her but she doesnt get it...we
used to be so close and now yet so far not just cuz the
distance but in our sister to sister relationship as
well...were not as close anymore...were like strangers if
that...i dont knoe her anymore and she doesnt knoe me
either...all we both knoe is what we used to knoe and so
much has changed since then...were both getting older i
guess and we both are finally realizing that we have to
start workin on our futures now...and now we're finally
realizing we're still sisters and we need to be close...i
starting to not be able to see...i hate crying but yet i
somehow find myself doing it everyday and
everynight...what's with me? i think its because I'm
finally sober...
On that subject...still yet to pick a rehab
center...still doin it on my own...IM SURVIVING!!!
Still thinkin about Ray...Still missin mah bro...Lost
and confused...Wish I could talk to the rest of my family
in Cali...They all hate me what am I thinking? My sister
told me they were all asking her why she cared about me and
why she still considered me her sister because I'm only
half...That Hurt really bad...
(Now have a river in front of me)...I called my sister
earlier to tell her Merry Christmas and her dad goes "well
she's sleeping still" and i said "this is danielle can u
wake her up please" and he goes "yea well uh shes still
sleeping okay" and then he hung up on me...I was like What
The Fuck? He hates me because he blames me for everything
bad my sister has ever done because I did it before her and
he thinks shes taking after me...Its not like I forced her
to do anything she had her life and i had mine thats how it
was...she got a tatoo and she was on drugs...dont know if
she still is...she got piercings and of course that
was "supposedly my fault too"...and a whole bunch of other
stuff so basically everyone blamed me for it...it was so
stupid but they still hate me for it...My dad is so wrapped
up in his new wife he can't even see that all his daughters
miss him...his favorite saying is "NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS"
so you can guess how that goes...My friends in Cali miss me
but not enough to where it's causing them pain like it is
me...My friends are the only family i have besides my mom
and shes even distant with me at the moment...its the whole
drug and alcohol thing...mah ex has so many things going on
in his life rite now he barely has time for me
too ....basically im all by myself rite now and i have no
one but this diary to listen to my problems...all my
friends call me and write me when they have problems and i
write back or call back and try to help them the best i can
but im always here for them and i always listen to
them...why cant they do that for me...the whole "DEE WILL
LISTEN AND SHE DOESNT EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN" thing is
getting really old and if my friends were my real friends
they would care too...they all know about my wanting to go
to rehab and they all arent even supporting me
whatsoever...theyre just like "oh thats coo" and "good for
you dee" like im sum kind of fucking dog or just a bug that
wont go away wtf? i hate this shit...im beginning to get
used to the loner scene though so its all good...more time
to think and more ME time ya knoe...i need it shit after
all thats happened in the past 6 months damn...im surprised
i havent gotten a tumor or an ulsor yet...ive been under so
much stress and each day more stress just piles on top of
it...oh well nothing i can do but to stick it out and see
what happens rite? well im finally getting tired and i
still have to go do dishes and sweep the kitchen so im
out...sweet dreams and good night everyone..luv u all and
hope yer CHRISTMAS was dope...
-Dee


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