2001-12-25 07:00:54 (UTC)

only time...

yes. i saw matt today. cus i guess he wanted to give me
christmas presents. like lots. and from his mom, too. it
was weird but very cute. i felt shitty for a bit because i
didnt get him anything. but then i remembered she said
some things you have to be selfish about, and i think he
is one of them, as in i should not dwell on that, just say
thank you and walk away. it was nice because it was very
brief and i did not walk away feeling sad or missing him.

i saw sweet november tonight. it was very good i think. i
started crying 3 seperate times. very very sad and i didnt
like the ending but i kinda did... it was inspirational.

caroline made me mad today but i got over it very fast
because i need to learn to do that. first that stupid girl
at work was being obnoxious stupid cunt. but that wasnt a
big deal but then she was tired after i picked her up from
work so she wanted to go home but go out later which was
okay because she doesnt have to spend every free moment
with me, but like it bothered me a lot that she was
probably guna go out and drink and drive that car she cant
drive on a lots-of-drunks-out-driving night and i was very
mad and she didnt kiss me or hug me or anything when i
dropped her off but its okay she didnt go out and i cant
tell her what to do i can only sit and worry and hope she
is okay always.

i saw ashley=) i love her so much. im glad we are spending
time together.

its christmas! woo-hoo. we went to waffle house me and
claudia in the middle of the movie and the black waiter
guys were being goofy to me. heh.

i like her sooo much. i want to tell her things. last
night i wanted to tell her something so much but i didnt
because she is not good with that and i didnt want to make
weirdness maybe she will get better, not better, shes
perfect but i mean more comfortable with the whole kind of
thing cus i can tell shes not sometimes and she told me
that from the beginning, just like i told her im crazy so
its okay.

i was sad last night, reading old stuf. i hope someday
things wont make me so sad anymore..

you know, i feel like a better person because of her. she
is soo great. i want to tell her but the only way i can
say she will freak out and its annoying because sometimes i
want to so much but i feel stupid...

i saw richard today. that was weird. its sad. but im kinda
glad of course because he is a great guy and i was beginning to
think that he was turning into an asshole but hes not. he
wanted me to see navin. ughh.. i have to get out of this
town. and caroline saw katie today. see that makes me sad
sometimes not cus i miss her she wasnt such a great
girlfriend but things could have worked out better like we
should still be friends we always have been, its bullshit.
people are so dumb. ashley calls her my girlfriend but i
do not know. i say i dont need titles and stuf but i kinda
do i just try to make things easy on her. i dont want to
do anything to fuck things up like tell her i love you and
stuf. blah... things are so complicated for me huh.

i think i will hook ashley up with naomi! its a good idea
i think. im afraid i'll get jealous though since i liked
naomi once and cus i have that whole my friends fucking my
friends thing. sex is so very dumb. well anyway it might
be a good idea. i have to at least introduce them. naomi
is very cool.

i made my mom big pictures of us from when i was a baby. i
like them a lot i think she did too.

im talking to nikki=) i think shes doing better. thats
very good. i want to go see her on wednesday before she
goes back to tenneessee but i dont know how to get ahold of
my sam =( cus hes living with steve and i want to see him
so bad and also, caroline works and i think has a job
interview wednesday which is the only day i can go before
nikki leaves and it sucks so much i want her to meet my
friends you know. and i want to see my sam=(

i think im done for tonight im guna go talk to her now.

lost little girl.