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2001-12-25 02:58:41 (UTC)

Before the Train jumps the Track.

For some reason I can not seem to pull myself from this
madness. I feel so lazy, everytime I am off work, I just
want to stay in the house. My husband leaves but I feel so
lost now. I have gained weight and my self-esteem is lower
than ever before. I get compliments but they only feel
good for that moment it is like, I know the truth. I might
look ok but I use to look so much better. I eat all the
time while I am in the house. It feels like it just helps
me stay content while I am in. I feel like I have so much
pressure to grow these three children up correctly. To
provide, to support - emotionally, spiritually,
educationally, financially, mentally, disciplining,
everything. You would think that I am a single parent but
I am not. Moms sometimes take on way more than they are
suppose to and if they do not find some form of relief they
will be hurting themselves more than helping. Sometimes I
feel like I am on a train that is traveling a very fast
pace but not too fast for me to hop off but something is
keeping, holding me back. I make up mind, I take a couple
of steps I get to the door - it is open, when I go to jump
I for some reason stumble right back into the destructive
seat I was sitting in. I have no energy. I just do the
bare essentials at home. I keep the kitchen and living
room clean. The bathroom is in good condition but I hate
to the laundry so my hamper is full and I use to be so into
decorating my bed room, my husband and I spend most of our
time in the family room. I have lost it. He is being very
patient but that kills me too that he should have to why
can't I snap out of this thing. You would think that I do
not go to church. I love the Lord and I know that He cares
for me. He is the ruler over my life but I have not been
listening to Him lately. I have not even prayed about this
lately - and I know it is not normal. I sometimes feel
like my husband seeks attention outside because I have
changed physically. He says no way but hey - I do not
know. Since I do not I keep cool. I wish I could stop
eating all of this horrible food. It is really hurting me.
I use to go to doctor regularly, I use to love going to the
gym now everything is a hassle. I really liked my job a
week or two ago but after so many people were laid off, I
do not look at it in the same manner anymore. I just
think. I have even gone as far to look for another gig but
it I wish things could work out for me there. Word is that
I do not have anything to worry about, come on most of us
do. I must be proactive, I can not just wait for them to
say, hey you - clean your desk, you were good but we are
down sizing and you are apart of the process. I have gone
to school and did well - I need to make sure my family is
secure or at least ok.

I use to eat for breakfast, 1 serving of oatmeal, a half of
toast and boiled egg - I would drink half a cup of OJ and 2
cups of water and I would be satisfied. Now, I eat 4
pancakes, 2 slices of bacon and 1 saucege, and 2 scrambled
eggs. I use to eat a snack - apple, raisens and a cuple of
nuts now - I grab anything and then to lunch - I use to
eat, a weight watcher because it was quick and low in fat
and calories and a salad - lots of water. I would work out
at least 5 days per week. If not more. I felt good, I
looked good and I was happy. Now, why am on this train and
feel as if I can not get off.

It is very scary at church, I am the leader over an awesome
group of women - I give them advise and teach a class on
marriage - based on biblical instructions. Wow, lately all
I keep feeling is Lord, I am not worthy. Of course He knew
that before He chose me! At first, I knew that I was
unworthy but it was such an honor I did not question Him,
now, how can I lead someone else feeling like this. If I
was my husband - maybe I would well, I would not but I can
see, no I can not, but you know what I mean.

The real me is deep inside. I should weight 135, no more
than 140 for my height and comfort level - I reluctanly
admit that I am 225 lbs. I know he is tired of me tripping
over this, any other time, when I am not satisfied with
something I fix or change it. I am very determined and I
go after it. Now, I just lay on the couch and wish that I
could feel and be the way I was. In the last year this has
all happend. From my writing it sounds as if I am
depressed. I will pray about this tonight. I have to
start somewhere before this train crashes -

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