can't fight the moonlight...
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2001-12-24 02:29:08 (UTC)

two minutes late

i'm just not in a good mood right now, so might as well
vent, right? i'm not pissy, more depressed- DETATCHED -
than anything. oh well.
i've been reading a bunch of diaries, and it seems like
everybody is depressed, or wants to cut themselves. been
there, done that. i wish it mattered again, that it made
sense instead of totally random urges to cut myself, that i
wanted to die. no, thats not true, i love my life i love
myself and i want to live. but every once in a while i want
to bleed, and it just doesn't make sense. i've got friends
(even thought i can't stand them a lot of times, and
definitley can't talk to them) a boyfriend (who i don't
have time for) a family (thats currently at each others
throats) and good grades (except for that C- in Chem) Ok,
i'm debunking all my good things, and i don't mean it. well
normally i don't. sometimes i wonder if when i'm in this
type of mood is when i really think lucidly, is when what i
feel is the truth, or is it when i'm normal and happy and
cheerful? now it seems like the truth, and ive never denied
not being able to talk to anyone, except for sarah on the
rare occasion, but even then its never enough! i wish
that... oh goddess, i don't know. i wish somebody would
understand me. nobody does, they've told me so, and its
probably too much to expect but i wish it anyways!! then
there are people who i want to open up to, but cant bring
myself to on the chance they'll hurt me, which is actually
very logical because its happened before (sarah) but i'm
just a coward really.
and i'm such a bad girlfriend. really. i've been going out
w/ sardou for barely two weeks, but i know i am. we haven't
been out on a date yet, unless you count going over his
house to hang (and make) out, and its my fault cuz i don't
have enough time, but can you blame me? i've got AI and
work, and hes got soccer and b-ball. i dunno, i can't even
seem to open up to him, and hes one of the ones that i want
to!! hes my best friend, really, even if he doesn't know it
and i've had talks with him about things that i would
hardly dare to bring up with rin or the like, but somehow
i'm still reaching. i can't be satisfied, i need something
in my life and i don't know what.
i need to live in a cottage in ireland for a year, writing
the great american novel with friends who love me and care
about me, and a lover and a cat who'll stick her nose up at
me. god, i need to talk a walk through boston by myself, i
need to go to college and find myself a life outside of
this stifling small town.
i feel like i'm somehow grown up, just not physically so
even though i know what i want i'm limited by age and grade
and, god i don't know everything!

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