lola likes head

poopamatrolpolis
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2001-12-23 23:51:40 (UTC)

penetrate it

Tomorrow is the big day for Bates students. Tomorrow we
get to look up our grades online and see what we've earned
for a semester's load. Tomorrow we're judged. Our parents
get to see the fruits of $34,000. That's a big price tag
for a few letters.
I know I'll get good grades this semester. I know there
will be no letter lower than a B. I know that my parents
will be happy that their daughter is doing so well in
school. The day before Christmas, what could be better?
So how come I don't feel like I've earned my keep at school?

This semester went by so much quicker than first semester
of last year. I came back to school this year and sunk
back into an old--but loved--routine. Primarily getting to
see my boyfriend every day and sleeping with him every
night again. It wasn't a shock, it wasn't a lot of work,
and I enjoyed it. I spent a lot of my time waiting around
for him to get out of the library from studying at night,
at the beginning of the semester I was there with him most
of the time. I guess after awhile, my ferocity towards my
nightly workload petered out. I began to get more agitated
because of problems with his roommate and I got frustrated
because his workload was so heavy and mine wasn't, and
other issues i'd rather not get into right now. I don't
know what happened to me over the course of the past few
months, over the past semester. It felt liek I was
slipping again into an old depression. Maybe it was the
changing of the seasons, maybe it was my period, but I
don't think so. It sucked, and it affected how much I
wanted to work, and made me wonder why I'm in college to
begin with. What am I trying to get out of this? ow did I
end up doing this and not jsut continuing with my job as a
receptionist or a sales clerk in some corporate-but
seemingly cool-music store?
Should I be somewhere else? Different part of the
country? Different part of the world? Breaking away from
massachusetts and trying to begin.. i don't know...
living? I feel like I'm missing out on something by
keeping myself contained here. I'm too concerned with
petty things and maintianing the little routines that my
life revolves around; sleep, wake up for class or get woken
up by his alarm, back to room, brush teeth, wash face, put
on lotion, check email, check salon.com, go to class,
lunch, class, meet him, study, dinner, back to room, wait
for him, sleep, repeat cycle. I don't feel like soemthing
is complete, and it has me so frustrated that I can't stand
it when I do things to try to break out of my cell. I
don't want to try to find freedom within my life right now,
i don't want to make room for art and happiness. I want to cut
everything out of my life and just leave, try to find something
else. The saddest part about that is that I don't think I could ever
have the courage to do that.


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