Jencaero

7

Wow its clear
i suppose i knew but never really thought about it
didnt consider
god
god
god
yes i did know. it was all a charade. today liz said that
she was the one who followed. maybe she was. she was. it
was a charade though. steph and cat followed liz thinking
she was the leader. but who knows liz thinks i was
maybe i was
she lead them but i led her did i not. but she diverted
them and led them to believe it was all her therefore they
hated me
they hated me
who knows maybe she did. maybe she wishes she was like me
or not
she led them to hate me though even though they were
following me without realizing it. if she jumped off a
cliff so would they
but she wouldnt because i wouldnt
and she followed me
she does though doesnt she?
now i realize
i mean
look at her
she lies sometimes
today she said she didnt want to play tennis
then i see her plain with emily at the club
that hurt
and shes rejected me
but even in rejection she still looked up?
would she be lost without me
or would i be lost without her
my other half?
is she my other half?
is she something that i had so much influence on that
became an image of me
mixed in with her mother?
or is she elizabeth
the one looking for answers
not finding, so looking to me
therefore i look too
and try to find.
i showed her my book
i dont know if she understands
how could she possibly...
but then again
i underestimate people. who doesnt
it pisses me off how she is so quick to judge
but i do too
and thats y i hate myself at times
jen
the hypocrite
jess jen jenno gwen
all names for me
the hypocrite
hell whoever read this wouldnt be able to understand. god
am i corrupting liz?
i dont want to i still love her lots i n a sisterly way
i remember i always used to say that we were closer than
sisters because were not sisters. was that true? or was it
just something i said
life is like a book you never know whats coming up. id
changes with interpretation. it is unexpected unexplained
and rash. it is some one else influencing you
am i elizabeths set of rules
if i wasnt there would she be "normal" (if there is such a
thing as normalcy)
or would she still be herself
the charade will go on forever i think the girls will
follow her and shell pretend to be the leader
and my im the leader i guess cuz liz looks up to me
which means i cant make a mistake because if i jump into
the river
they all drown as i try to show them how to swim
am i drowning them?
am i drowning liz with my ideas, influences?
i hope to god she can swim
but sooner or later she'll have to swim alone. and she cant
take the girls
theyre too weak right now
theyll drown
and ill be responsible