My Therapy Diary
2001-12-23 21:49:05 (UTC)

Obsessed with violence

Today I’m feeling depressed again, so now I go back to
writing in my diary. Initially, I had planned to write here
rather often, but it just did not turn out that way. This
is only my second entry in about two weeks. Well, I guess
it doesn’t matter.

The reason why I’m writing tonight is that I’ve just had a
fight with my boyfriend. Don’t misunderstand me, it was not
a kick-and-beat-each-other-fight as my mother misunderstood
me one time when I said that Hannes (my b/f) had had a
fight with one of his friends (“A fight? Did the police
show up? I hope nobody got hurt…”). I guess that pretty
much shows what she thinks of him. But maybe she’s just
being over-protective. I don’t know.

The problem is that sometimes he says things that make me
worried. Like in this very fight that my mother got so
worked up about. It was with one of his many female
friends, and she e-mailed me afterwards and told me that he
had threatened to kill her. Just like “You know I have this
disorder, and that means that when I get angry it gives me
such an adrenaline kick that I can lift a car, and when I’m
like that killing little you would be no problem…”. She
wrote me again a few minutes later and told me that he had
apologized and taken it all back, but it still makes me
worried. You see, he has a friend who says that he has
killed a man, and when Hannes told me this he was all
worked up and seemed to think that it was just so cool
everything. In one way I can understand why he thought that
was cool, I fantasize about violence rather often (even
though it’s in another sense – more about that later) and I
like it, but at the same time: violence is not cool when it
happens for real. Me, I just got scared by his telling me
this, and almost started to get doubts about us being
together (he told me this right at the beginning of our
relationship). Now I’m of course happy that I did not back
out just because of that, but still… Most of the time he’s
just the sweetest and kindest guy, but then suddenly he
says something like this.

He threatened to kick the teeth out of the mouth of a guy
who’s the boyfriend of one of my friends, Felicia, one
time, because the boyfriend had asked me if he could call
me porno-Eva (Hannes had called me his little Hentai-
girlie, and hentai means porn or pervert (Hannes meant it
in the latter sense)). I knew that it was because a couple
of guys at Hannes’ school had called me ho and stuff like
that because we had an open relationship (which means that
I had said that it was okay that he had sex with another
girl), and he therefore was a little itchy about me being
name-called. But Felicia got really worried about this, and
she did her best convincing me that being together with
Hannes was not a good idea. You see, she has had two bad
relationships in her life, and Hannes reminded her of both.
So she was really worried about me. I said that I was sure
that he would never actually _do_ anything to me, but she
answered something that really got me worried. She said
that it does not help that you _know_ the person is never
going to fulfil his threats, it bad enough being threatened
anyway. And she _knows_ that from personal experience. Like
she said herself, her ex-boyfriend turned her life into
hell and he was living in the other part of the country. So
that sometimes makes me worried. What if I would some day
break up with Hannes and he starts turning _my_ life into
hell. I already know that he sometimes threatens people.
And he lives in the same town as I…

Most of the time I do not really think about this, but when
I heard that he had said like that to his friend it made me
worried. He has this disorder that makes him lose control
completely when he gets mad, and the scary thing is that he
seems proud of it. Like, “I can kill people if I get mad,
ha ha!” The worst thing is that every time that he has
threatened somebody, he just says that “I wasn’t
threatening him. I was just giving him a warning.”
I have tried to make him admit that if you say “Watch out,
or I’ll kill you” that _IS_ indeed a threat, but he just
says that “No I’m not threatening. I have that disorder,
and I know that if I get mad enough I could actually kill
him. So I’m just telling him not to do anything more or I
might get so mad that I kill him”. I’m not sure about
whether he means this seriously or if it is just an excuse,
but it worries me. Sure, I know he has this disorder that
makes him lose control, but I honestly don’t think that he
would kill anybody _that_ easy so in my book all this talk
about warning people is all just bs. But as I said, I’m not
sure if he realizes this himself, and that makes me
worried. What makes me even more worried is the thought
that maybe it isn’t all just bs. I pretty sure that it
isn’t so, but what if…

Anyway, I think I know why he gets a kick out of being
dangerous. It’s just that most of his life he’s been
harassed, and I think that he feel good thinking of himself
as dangerous. Like “I could go back and kick their asses
any time if I wanted”. I’ve felt that way too. I guess
that’s where I’ve got my cute little fascination for
knives, and other weapons with a nice shiny blade. Or maybe
that’s because I secretly long to cut myself. You know a
funny thing? I actually was going to try that one evening a
couple of weeks ago when I felt depressed, just to see if
it really felt as good as everyone says it does, but I
didn’t have the courage to press the knife hard enough
against my skin to draw blood. Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?
All this obsession of sharp blades and then I’m not even
strong enough to cut myself! I really am a coward.

But okay, one of the problems is that I kind of encourage
this violent behavior of this. You see, we use to role-
play. Not like role-playing when you are having sex, but
more like, he has a character, I have a bunch of characters
(I’m usually the storyteller) and then we make up our
little bedtime story. The thing is that it very often ends
up with his character raping or assaulting (or both) at
least one of my characters. And I’m extremely submissive,
bordering to masochistic, so I get an unbelievable kick out
of this and it usually ends with us having sex. Now I know
that this probably is not very good for either of us, but I
love it so much! I guess that means I’m really sick. You
know, I’ve had this kind of fantasies about being assaulted
ever since I was a kid (when I got older I just added in
rape) and I’ve always gotten sexually excited of it. I
guess that makes me seriously fucked up in the head.
Sometimes I wonder if something happened to me when I was
really young, and that is the reason why I hate myself this
much, or whatever I do (why I think that is because a
friend of my boyfriend’s got sexually abused when she was
younger and she never remembered anything until she started
dreaming about it) but I guess that’s just because I’ve
heard her story. I’m really just a freak of nature.
Feels really nice to know (irony).

Well, now you shouldn’t misunderstand me when I said I get
turned on by imagining myself being assaulted, it doesn’t
mean that I would want to be beaten for real. In fact, if
someone ever beat me, I would probably get very angry. But
still, I love fantasizing about it when it’s not really me
who am the victim but just one of my characters, but still…
It worries me.

Maybe Hannes get this violent just because he’s noticed I
like it. I don’t know. That could be the case. And even if
he does it because he likes it, what harm could it do? I
mean, we both like it and its not like anyone get hurt by
it. But still… I’m worried that maybe I’m having a bad
influence on him. But what the heck, we’re the perfect
couple, aren’t we? Like one of his friends said: “Where did
you two find each others? On www.find-psychos.com?”

I noticed I didn’t write very much about our fight. Other
things got in my way. Here I was going to cry about what a
lousy girlfriend I am, and then I end up telling how
worried I am about this violent side of him. Well, I guess
that’s how life is. I just hope I haven’t made him look
like a complete maniac. He’s my sweetie-honey, and I love
him. But sometimes he makes me really worried.
Sometimes we both do.

Want some cocktail tips? Try some drinks recipes over here