2001-12-23 21:12:40 (UTC)

"every time i have time to think, i think of this..."

well im back again... i tried to get a new journal
somewhere else but none of them really worked out for me so
i'm back...

todays a good day. i'm out of school til january 8th. i
dyed my hair really purple. i love it i wish i could keep
it but when work starts again i cant... ughh.. but today i
cleaned and stuf and i cooked with my family and nobody
fought and that was nice.. and tonight i get to see
caroline and she probably is guna stay so im happy=)

i like her a lot a lot a lot.
she got in a car accident friday night. it was real scary.
she was so upset and her car is totaled. she hit her lip
on the window and i think she should go make sure her neck
and back are okay, but she didnt get very hurt. she was
really lucky and i dont like to think about it because it
makes me very upset and scared and it makes me cry. she
could have been really serious hurt or something. i dont
like to think about it.

well shithead and i arent really talking anymore again.
this time i did it =) i am proud of myself. i think he
knows about things but i dont give a shit as long as he
doesnt like mess with her, i dont care. i would not want
to hurt anyone like that, but the thing is i dont think
he's hurtable. not the way he has hurt me time and time
again. i know this is a good thing, because i dont feel
like Oh my god I love him or Oh my God i hate him... i just
feel like whatever... like i dont need him... there are
moments but they are few and far between and there will
always be those moments with certain people but i dont act
on them or dwell on them, and thats what matters. i have
put her first and that was the right thing to do. she is
so much better. i like her a lot...

i cant believe its almost christmas. day after tomorrow.
i had fun getting presents and stuf this year. i got
caroline this ring or whatever. i was freaking out cus i
felt dumb i went and saw ashley and i was like i just
bought a $50 ring for her, you know, like... hm. i like her
so much. its scary. but its good happy scary most of the
time like i love being around her. this is certainly a
better christmas time than last year, so far. except its ot
cold but thats nothing compared to shitty last year... what
scares me is that she COULD do that to me.. like, she means
enough to have the power to do it if that makes sense, but
i think she wont.. and anything she does that upsets me
isnt on purpose.. i wish she wouldnt smoke so much but its
just because i worry about her and i dont want to do
anything to like be telling her what she should and
shouldnt do you know? it just worries me, as do a lot of
things she does. i wish i could be enough but i understand
that its different...

ive been seeing ashley a lot. its good. i love her so
much... i hate her girlfriend because she is upsetting her
and it makes me so mad because she doesnt deserve that. i
dont think caroline likes her. =( i dont know though. i
want her to get out of work so i can be with her for
awhile. i want to help her not be sad about this and i am
loving her very much.... i think im going to go smoke a
cigarette and find something productive to do.

"every time i'm close to you theres too much i cant say,
and you just walk away, and i forgot to tell you i love
you." that song reminds me of her.