kellykate

Life of a rockstar....NOT!
2001-12-23 17:06:12 (UTC)

Stabbed

Well, ya that is exactly how I feel. Like I have been
stabbed all over my body. I feel like an inmate wrongfully
accused on death row about to die and pleeing for someone
to believe them.

I guess I should have figured this would happen though. I
tried to figure things out and interperet them for myself
when some things were said in my group of friends. But then
it all got turned around by them all ganging up on me and
saying that I betrayed their trust and lied to them and
tried to get them in a fight, but I DIDNT DO THAT AT ALL! I
sent one of them an email and hopefully that will clear
some things up. But right now, I'm just beating myself up
about this because I always let myself become really good
friends with people, and then I'm just stupid becasue I
don't realize that they all end up the same.

I wonder if I should have ever let myself call mandy sam
and julianne my best friends, and that's the truth becase
heather is always busy with wrestling, and I'm trying to be
a better person, so I can't hang out with my old best
friends because then I would go back to my old ways. But
then I think, of course I'm glad I became friends with
them, because we had really good times and I really loved
them.

But I guess it can never be the way I expected, because now
I know for sure, that no matter what happens, they are
going to always just go with the three of them because they
have been friends for so long, and I understand that it has
just been them forever, but still ya, I guess that until
wrestling is over, I just won't do much with anyone,
because I have felt from the beginning that they were
always going to just ditch me for each other, and I guess
I'll just have to get over it and try and find some friends
who will actually trust me and talk to me before they all
come to a conclusion against me, without even hearing me
out.

WHY AM I ALWAYS SO STUPID?!?

Oh ya, if you know me and you are reading this, don't tell
anyone, but last night I was going to kill myself. I hope they
realize that that is how much they meant to me. I was getting out of
bed to go and get the asprin bottle, when I realized that I don't
want to spend the rest of eternity in hell, and i would miss heather
and some other people too much to die right now, and that even
thought I am going through hell right now, eventually, it will be
over, and I can make it. I HOPE