My Eternal Quest
2001-12-23 12:48:21 (UTC)


yesterday sucked ass . i feel so empty and alone right
now . there's this void that i can not fill . my dad came
to pick up my sis and i to go to a really wealthy
neighbourhood and look at the christmas decorations . i
could not help but cry . mom would have loved to see that ,
actually she would have loved to do something like that .
arghhh , i miss her so goddamn much . everyone is so happy ,
but i every time that i am actually enjoying the holidays ,
i feel guilty . i know my mom would want me to be happy .
but i just feel that she deserves this so much more than
i . she loved this time of the year . i remember last
xmas . she was already completely worn out cuz of the chemo
therapy . she already lost all her hair and was so skinny .
but she was so happy . she said , maybe this will be my
last xmas .. and i remember getting mad at that for saying such
thing .. and she posed for a pic with me and my sis on each side . i
enlarged that pic . she looked so terrible ,
but the smile on her face lights up the entire picture . it's a
beautiful picture .. she was so proud of her daughters . god ..she so
didnt deserve this .. she fought so hard for so long . 5 years ..
5 long years .. the first 2 werent that bad , she just had
to take pills and get some injections every month . when
that didnt help , they started chemo therapy . that changed
her . she was only a fraction of what she used to be . she
was such a beautiful woman that loved life . she wsa an execptional
woman that u would never forget . she was always there for
everyone . so many of my friends considered her as heir
second mom cuz no matter how bad u fucked up , she would
never give up on u . during her chemo she had to close her store
that she had for 15 years . that broke her heart . we moved
and just concentrated on her getting better . no one
realized at this point that there might be even the
slightest chance that she might not win this fight . she was
so strong . she closed her shop , but she still kept
working every day to earn some extra money . up till where she was
working with a bucket next to her to puke in , and we asked her to
stop . from then on my dad started helping us out again and me and my
sister started working too so we'd have enough money .then last year
after xmas she got really ill and they decided to amputate
her breast . after all the horror she went trough , they
removed it after all . after the operation she said , u
know i dont think they took all of the cancer out . but even the
doctors disagreed with her . after the wound was healed ,
they started radiation therapy as after treatment ,just to make
sure . for 2 months i went with her to the hospital every fucking
day . i missed a lot of classes then but she needed me there .
she was getting worse . when she got so skinny and the pain
in her back was so big that she couldnt walk anymore , she
went to the hospital again . that was last may . the resuls werent
good . they admitted her to the hospital again so she could become
stronger for another chemo treatment .. the cancer was back ..
a month and a half she was in the hospital . the day that
my sister graduated , she came home . she couldnt even walk
at that point anymore but my dad took her in a
wheelchair . nothing was gonna stop her from seeing her
daughter graduate .. and she smiled when they called my sister's
name .. she was so happy that she had seen her daughter graduate ..
god .. she was so strong at heart , so
determined to beat this thing .. then after that she started chemo
again . i went to the states for 1.5 month and when i got
back i realized that something was wrong . the chemo wasnt
helping .. she gave me and kat her rings and told her she
would never be able to wear them again anyways .. a week
after i got back she called my dad in the middle of the
night to take her to the hospital . then everything went so
very quick . we went to the doctor to ask for an
explanation and heard the verdict : she was gonna lose this
fight . my sister and i cried in eachothers arms for
hours . how could this be ? she was still so very strong at
heart .. the doc explained that her body was giving up .. all that
chemo had been destroying not only the bad but also the good cells ..
the cancer was spread all trough her bones , in her liver and even
broke her spine somewhere which cause a tremendous pain . they
couldnt help her anymore . we asked the doctor to not put her trough
more tests than necesary anymore and ease her pain as much as
possible .that tuesday the doctor told us
she would have a few more months . i felt so helpless .
since then i spent as much time with her as possible . i
promptly quit my finals and tried to be with her as often
as possible .i went with her for a scan and afterwards the
specialist showed me .. it was all over her body .. while
they were taking the scan i held her hand to breathe with
her . she looked at me and asked me to stay with her . she
had so much fear in her eyes , she was so scared to die
alone .. i could not help but cry .. i told her id miss
her .. that day the specialist told me that she'd have only
a few more weeks .. when i got to the hospital the next
day , she wasnt even able to walk at all anymore .. we went
down to the cafetaria with her in her bed and all her brothers and
sisters , her parents that flew in from spain , me , my sis and my
dad . everyone she loved was with her . i think at that
moment she said goodbye to everyone ..the nurses had moved
her to her own room and asked us if we wanted to sleep with
her in her room from then on .. that moment we knew only a few
days it went from still having months to just a few days .. my
aunt slept next to her that night .. before we left she
held my dad's hand and told him she loved him .. that
maybe , just maybe if she could beat this they could be a family
again . even that night she still kept fighting and believing .my dad
told her he still loved her too . she made sure someone was
gonna take care of her dogs , and then told my dad : we raised
two beautiful daughters .. they'll do well in life . and i
know u'll always be there for them . she smiled and fell asleep . she
didnt want anyone to cry for her . it was very hard to leave that
night but i had to .. i kissed her goodnight and went home .. around
4am my dad called .. i knew immediately .. her blood had poisened her
body .. we went straight to the hospital . it looked like she was
just sleeping .. everyone that had been there the night before was
that , and also my brother and his wife .her body was still warm ..
she looked beautiful .. she had woken up during the night and asked
my aunt to help her go to the bathroom .. when she was back in bed
she had asked my aunt to hold her .. she had looked at my aunt and
asked .. my daughters .. where are they ? my aunt reassured
her and she slowely slipped away .. she wasnt alone .. at
her funeral the church was packed .. so many young people
coming to say goodbye .. all of them crying over "their
mom" .. no words of anger or regret at the funeral .. just
admiration .. admiration for the fight she fought .. for
so very long .. not giving up once .. and on top of that still
looking out for everyone she loved .. even the priest shed
a tear .. she was one of the strongest people i have ever
known .. i wrote text on the death card . translated into english it
said :
every night as our very own star
u will continue to shine above us in the sky
u will continue to light our path with love
and will never dissapear out of our heart
full of courage u kept on fighting
u were such an incredible strong woman
u gave us an example to leave to
we want want u to know mom , we are so proud of u

the priest also read a letter i wrote her 2 days before she died out
loud . it was a letter in which i said all that i couldnt say . cuz
every time i tried , i started crying . at least this way , she heard
my words .. she was my best friend ..i love u mom ...