The Useless Drag of Another Day
2001-04-08 23:36:59 (UTC)

the years burn...

April 8; 6:08 p.m.
song of the moment: siamese dream by the smashing pumpkins
(the song, not the album)

this is disgusting. completely madly insanely
incomprehendably disgusting. i hate it when people say that
they understand. that they know who i am. especially her.
my mother of all people. insane. she's known me all of my
life yet she hasnt got the slightest idea about anything. i
wanted to slap her when she claimed that she knows me. that
she knows why i do what i do. it kills me. she has no idea
what its like to believe in something. she never has
believed in anything that isnt untrue. especially me. it
scares her i think, that i'm not like her. she's so
egotistical that i really believe that she thinks that
unless a person is exactly like herself, there is no way
they will succeed. she finds no beauty in individuality. i
want her to be proud of me. i want her to recognize
everything that i've lived with, and that i'm not
completely messed up despite it. i want her to apologize.
but in her own mind, she is capable of no wrong. i have
tried so hard to open myself up to her but how can i give
her a piece of myself when she has done everything possible
to make it aware that she quite honestly wants nothing to
do with me? she has taken so much from me, i cannot
willingly give her anything else. and i so desperately want
to forgive her. but how can i do that when she hasnt even
recognized that she's done anything wrong. she really
doesnt think that i have reason to need to forgive her. but
i do. she doesnt understand why i'm the way that i am. one
day she'll realize. its because of her. love peace empathy
mischief desire and gladness always.