Magic of Mascara
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2001-12-22 07:12:28 (UTC)

Friday night / Saturday morning

I lit some candles and masturbated so now I have tons of
energy to share with the group. I'm stressing. I'm tired of
being alone. I'm tired of bitching about how I'm alone. And
i'm extremely tired of my friends ragging on me for doing
things that make me happy. I met this kid a club and got
balls, from kerri, to go talk to him. He's amazing. He's so
beautiful. We're friends. Good friends because I can trust
him to an extent and I can talk to him about anything.

He has a girlfriend. They're on they're 'second try'. Which
I think is stupid because he tells me he's confused
everytime he's with her. Why give me signals that you like
me and know that u can be with me and be happy with me, yet
stay confused with ur girlfriend? I'm confused now. I think
he wants to stay with her. Does he? I cant find that out
because everytime I try and talk to him about her he
changes the subject. I dont want to sound pushy so I stop
asking questions. But i really want to know!

I know he likes me and he knows I really like him. I'm
extremely attracted to him and he's so much fun to be with.
He makes me happy and I don't think about anything but
whats going on in that moment when I'm with him. I'm
crushing on him hard as hell and I want to know the answers
to my questions so I can determine what the fuck is going

I don't think i should be friends with him. Yet I do. I
hate being like this. I friggin hate it. But it's starting
to really piss me off. I can't friggin call him. Which is
Bullshit. He told me this last night. His gf's starting to
ask questions. Fuck that. God dammit. Explain to her that
you have friends. I want to call him on Christmas and wish
him a merry christmas like I do with all my friends. But I
cant. Same as New Years. 'I'm gonna be with her', Thats
total fucking bullshit. Who cares? I'm gonna be down my
cousins having a great time with a bunch of people I wont
know until that night. But if I take the time to call u,
then i should get two seconds of ur time.

I'm gonna shut up now. I'm making a mountain out of a
molehill. And i dont wanna come off like I'm a bitch. Cause
I'm not. I'm just wondering a lot of shit that I'll never
get an answer to. And I'm horny again. Dammit, nite...

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