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2001-12-22 04:31:51 (UTC)

merry pre-christmas

I'm at my cousin's house right now. They're in the other
room watching an old Seinfeld episode and I'm in here
trying to get away from whatever they're doing. I always
tend to do my own thing when I come here. I like to use it
as a place to just chill and be pampered. I don't think
they know that... I always end up shopping with them
whenever we hang out. I guess I like shopping, but I
realize that it's all I basically do when I come home.
Usually the only problem I have with it is that I spend too
much money, but lately it's something else, it's the idea
of buying things, adding to the heap of what I already
have, taking in more and more, possessing more and more
goods that are going to result in.. what?

I have a lot of shopping dreams. Their plots are generally
the same; I go into a store that I really like and
everything is either ridiculously cheap or my mother has
given me thousands of dollars to freely spend.

What am I doing with all of this stuff? Where is it all
going? How much do I use? How much do I need to use? Am
I just another slave to spending and having clothing? Is
that even a bad thing? Tomorrow when I go to the store and
buy a few shirts, what's going to happen to them?
This seems like more of a crisis than I'm making it seem,
but I'm jsut curious what this perpetual spending leads
to. What else could I be doing rather than moving from
store to store, glassy-eyed. I could be sitting around
somewhere else, or thinking, or watching my fish. Shopping
is just... unnecessary, but I can't tear myself away from
So it's Christmas. Now I must buy Christmas presents. I
must show my family and my boyfriend how much I love and
appreciate them through fifteen-dollar knick-nacks that
they'll probably never end up using, and I'll receive some
in return... Isn't there something I'm missing here?
My cousins have a Christmas tree. Underneath their
Christmas tree has always been heaps and heaps of
presents. Their tree is lush and completely adorned with
ornaments; little tin wagons, candy canes, miniature
rocking horses. One of their daughters who is sixteen odes
not live at home. She lives in a residential because her
parents no longer could stand all of the shit that "she was
making", skipping school, cutting up her wrists, hitting
her mother, swearing at her father, taking bottle of pills,
having sex with 25 year old men, getting arrested, running
away from home.. Their oldest daughter is 18 and is still
a junior in high school (she's stayed back 3 years) The
father used to be an alcoholic. Both parents are racist,
the father is sexist, both don't give their children
respect or compassion, when their great-aunt died and the
family inherited the money, they went out later in the week
and bought a new pick-up truck, and re-did the living room
and the dining room. they constantly scream at each other,
but they always manage to have a present-filled, toy-filled
christmas. I don't get it. What are they really feeling?
Are they even aware of all this shit they've been entangled
in? They can't just cover it up with presents...
I don't know what this Christmas has made me feel, or if
I'm supposed to be feeling more love for my family now than
I did all year. I don't think it's any different when I
come home, and I'm not lauding myself for having an
incredible output of love for them all year. Are we just
deluding ourselves with this Christmas? Can we make up for
a year's lack of love in the few days we have off from work
and from school?

Am I just bitter and angry because this is the first
Christmas after my parents have divorced?