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2001-12-22 02:27:24 (UTC)

God damn

I'm a friggin writing here like mad crazy today....i feel
bad for kevin...wendy left today and he's gonna be
lonely..i wish i could do something...but like usual i
can't.. wendy and kevin have a beautiful relationship and
I am often envious of it to a certain degree...I wish I
could have a connection like that with somebody...but then
again I don't want to at least not in High School...we are
all trying to figure out ourselves..and you want us to love
this other person and learn about them before we learn
about ourselves...i'm soo confused just with myself to try
and boggle with somebody else's brain...and then there is
always the inevitable part of breaking up...because I know
I'm not gonna live in Palm Coast for the rest of the
life..I bet my life on it..i will not live here for any
long periods of time after I get out of high school...and
nobody will follow me to wherever I may lead them..because
hell i can't even keep control of my life now....this year
sucked for me...2001 sucked...i had a shitty relationship
in the beginning i got jack shit in the middle for like 6
months and then i crashed a car am already in debt 18,000
to my parents just in a car...and fuck i need that money to
get out of this place...and then I want to be with
Anastasia wherever I go...I don't know why....and people
think we're lesbians or bisexual or shit...but it's not
like that for me...I have this strange bond with her that I
don't share with anybody's gotten sooo much
stronger over the years I've known's stronger than
family or even being sisters...she means soo much to me and
I want to be right by her when she succedes in whatever she
will be succeding in...and that's why I want to be with i hope that we will both get accepted to the same
college and live together and have bundles of fun until we
settle down and have kiddies and they will be best friends
and then we can have more fun when were old and
whithered...she is my best-soul sister/friend in this
shallow superficial shitty world that we live in. and
school is out and I need a job soo badly but I don't want
one...i just want anastasia to get her car and to take
Britt and just go and ride to wherever .... it's soo
beautiful outside the stars are sooo pretty and I love it
with a passion...i with someone would paint the night sky
on my ceiling that would be the best present ever...

but as I was saying a long while ago...I don't want to fall
in love in high school but I feel like it might happen i'm
not saying now in my current relationship but I"m saying in
high school sometime....hell it could happen now or not I
will never know..because i'm not no damn pyshic (sp) but I
just want to have fun in high school whether that be
sexually or just having fun with friend's...that's what I
want high school to be for me... I'm not saying i'm gonna
go around and have slutty relationship with guys ...fuck
no...that's not how I deal with relationships in the first
place...I like communication and love and all the gushy
parts to relations...but I'm more fond of sexually things
because it's in my nature...i'm not gonna go and have sex
with him during the first week or any shit like that
though...cause that's just slutty and how would you know if
that person had aids or some shit like that...sick in conclusion to that...I just want to have
fun relationship in high school not shitty ones where
everything has to be confusing and argueing and people
being sad all the time...because what the fuck what kind of
relationship is that in the first place?

I'm tired and it's only 9:25 and I think I've talked about
Britt and relations way too much in this thing today...and
i'm a little pussy who needs to learn when to shut up about
the whole situation and stop blowing it out of proportion
because it's not that big of a deal in the first place..the
world will turn and not when it revolves around
fuck me in the ass hole (not literally) and I apologize for
all my ranting today...and I love you all for reading all
the shit I've wrote today because hell it was a lot of
shit. :) :(

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