AngeL w/o WinGs

-=-My So Called Life-=-
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2001-12-22 02:26:33 (UTC)

THIS IS NOT A LOVE SONG

i wonder....if he knows that i still love him. i love
every friggin thing about him, even the slight scratch on
his tooth. *sigh*. the world will never know my pain.
sometimes i wish i could just read his mind, just know
what's going on in that head of his. i think about him all
the time....and yet i'm sure he has pushed me out of his
thoughts.....a long time ago. i'm sitting here, emo music
on, and my eyes are glossy, but ive been working on
that....on holding back the tears. when i was little and
would cry my mom would punish me, maybe thats why i cry so
much. whatever the cause though, i am sitting here, home on
a friday night....the friday night that is the last day of
school before winter break, and stuck here thinking of him.
thinking of who he was, what we were, and how he completely
and totally ripped my heart out of my chest and walked all
over it. how i feel my heart up in my throat every single
friggin day, and how when i see him he is a stranger and i
wish i could say something, but my words get choked up. so
i just watch....him live. and i stand there, lifeless. the
sad part? the *ending date* was march 10th(or 11th) can be
debated....it was around midnight. and i have been hopeless
ever since. at the end of my high school career, i know i
will never see him again, the boy i adore. so i am thinking
of writing him a letter and giving it to him at graduation,
just because i will finally get that closure i have always
tried to seek. maybe then, he will be mature enough to
handle a letter so vividly describing the thoughts flowing
freely through my mind. maybe he won't be.....but the rest
of my life does not include him, so i will never see him
again, so it does not matter.

is it possible to fall in love...when you are
14...15....years old? or am i just an obsessive freak that
can't let this go.....ok i kno it was love. nothing else
could sting so much. for months after months i would kill
myself....ask myself what i did not have, why i wasn't good
enough. i would wish and hope and wish some more, on every
fvckin star in the sky that it would all work out, but it
never did. i was never 'me' again.

music: "This Is Not A Love Song"~The Juliana Theory


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