The Real Me
2001-12-21 16:16:24 (UTC)

I don't understand my mum!!

Sometimes, I don't understand my mum. She's so
temperamental and hot temper at times. I know that she
loves me but sometimes I don't like the way she tells me in
a direct way that I'm stupid and too forgetful at times.
Often, she would relate other's failures and bad attitude
to me. I know she's trying to teach me on how to improve
myself but I don't like the way. I know the only way is
confronting her and tell her how I feel. I was fed up with
her one day with her continuous nag of principles of life
giving me all those negative thoughts. Maybe she doesn't
realise it, she likes to used the word 'stupid' when I fail
to complete a simple task or live up to her expectations.
Even if she does not tell me directly, I feel so hollow. I
feel like I'm a loser and it makes me believe that I'm
really that stupid. I have low self esteem at times. Maybe
I'm being too sensitive. Such a simple word can perish me
so deeply. Example, I used a new clean towel for a 2nd bath
today (it was pretty hot and I feel so sticky) and I forgot
that I already took out a clean towel earlier on when I
went for the 1st bath. As a result, I'm using two towels in
one day. You might think that who the hell cares? It's just
one pathetic towel. Yeah!! However, I have to admit it; it
happens too many times and mum wasn't too happy bout' it.
She indirectly told me that I'm useless for not remembering
this little things my grandma ask me to do. Okay! Maybe i'm
being over-sensitive again but all i know is that I don't
like to be talked to that way. She told me that if I stay
to be that forgetful, I won't be able to handle serious
matters in the future when I'm old enough to work. I know
she mend it in a good way but I don't like the way she
interprets it. Don't ask me to tell her how I feel. We got
on a heated argument once and both of us started crying.
She was depressed and gloomy for bout' two days. I don't
know why she felt so bad and I don't want to ask her. Her
answers are so predictable, she will tell me that I'm the
one who hurt her feelings. No doubt on that. Maybe it's my
fault. I'm a stubborn person and I don't like anyone
pushing me around asking me to go their way. Not to mention
egocentric; In a nutshell, I don't like to admit and accept
my weaknesses although I know that I'm wrong deep down
inside. These personalities had made me feel depresse
easily. I'm a self-conscious person and I care about how
the others think bout' me. I believe in their opinions on
me more than myself. It's kind of stupid but that's how I
feel. This explains why I feel so bad when my mum
indirectly remarked that I'm stupid and I'm this naive girl
who only accept praises and reject any humiliations which
appear to be true. Still, I find it hard to admit the
negative side of me. Trying but it's very difficult. Thatz
all.. I have to go to sleep now *yawn*......