2001-12-21 06:42:17 (UTC)


Well, Jerry went home about 8:30 which kinda sucked because
he is leaving tomorrow and I was hoping to spend more time
with him, but it's ok. I went to Wal-Mart with Danny
because he was getting madder and madder that I wasn't
spending any time with him. But like I said, I was
starting to feel weird around him because he said he had a
thing for me, which I had NO clue was going through his
head. But it was actually nice to spend time with him
tonight...and we had a nice conversation while we were at
my house wrapping the 500 presents my mom had me get. We
talked about Jerry and how much I love him, and he
understands that I want to be with Jerry and not him so I
feel alot better about being around him now. We talked
about Gracie, his ex fiance, and our pasts, and families,
and a lot of other stuff. It was nice. But then I took
him home and it sucked being alone. I really wanted to go
visit Jerry but I decided not to because he is probably
asleep and I didn't want to bother him. I'm going to miss
him something terrible when he goes to PA. :( Even though
it's only a week, I still don't want to be away from him.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if maybe he thinks I'm too
crowding. It's just because I have never had anyone treat
me like he does and I'm like an addict and need more and
more and I don't want to be away from him. Maybe I should
give him more space. But maybe he likes it. I have no
idea. I guess I'll find out some how or another. Well,
Mom is getting surgury done tomorrow, a tube put down her
throat so she can breathe better. She gets it done every
month. Sucks. I'm in a very emotional mood right now.
Tears for no reason. Being pregnant is the craziest
thing. I guess it is just because I worry so much about
losing Jerry, and I worry about my Mom being sad all the
time, and I worry about my friends having their own lives
without me, which seems to be happening more and more
lately. Maybe that is another reason I cling to Jerry
more. I miss me and Amber hanging out all the time, but
she is always busy doing something now a days. And Tracy
is getting married on the 30th, plus she has the baby, so
she's never available. And Kelly is just aggravating most
of the time, so I don't hang out with her that much. Misty
lives 500 miles away, as does Vanessa, but she's married
already with a 1 year old. It seems like my life is flying
by me. I'm going to be a mommy myself in like a month.
And I can see myself married and settled down in the near
future. I grew up way too fast I guess. But it's ok. I
make it through it just like I have made it through
everything else that has been flung at me. I don't
remember how it was brought up, but my dad was mentioned
tonight and that made me sad because it's like, he's my dad
and it sucks that he's all sick and twisted in the head.
But he's going to be a grandfather and doesn't even know
it. I can't help crying over that. I just want to be able
to forget most of my past. I wish that was possible. I
just want Jerry, my family, my real friends, and a nice
life. I have everything I could ever ask for material
wise, but I am still unhappy. I am missing something in my
life. Maybe it's God. I don't know. Maybe I am just
being the selfish spoiled little girl I am often mistaken
for. I don't mean to be. I am happy with most of my's just something is lacking. I'll find it one
day.... I'm going to bed to forget GOODNIGHT

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