tomorrows revolution today
2001-12-21 03:05:21 (UTC)

Everyone must read! My Christmas Theory.....

I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the
one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast
majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some
kind of Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing
calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only
Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the
shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and
guilt, but i hear it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet
under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would
all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of
the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be
on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still
have transportation problems because he would inevitably
get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to
stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that
there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint
bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon
monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa
can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to
be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described
even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's
wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are
men.... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and
looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying
weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point
fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a
chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will,
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The
Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what
gender Santa is.

*Merry Christmas ya'll and to all ya'll a good night!!