Green Dolphin

Green Dolphin
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2001-12-20 11:44:30 (UTC)

James

his body still burns a hole in her mind. his hands and his
smell still grip her nerves like a steel trap. when she
thinks of him she still gets weak in the knees. little
things light the fire of memory again. she sits in a
little room, and thinks of his addicting personality. the
wholesome and magical charisma and charm he had. his smell
would fold her in his presence and take her to a world
where he loved her. yet the reality was a different
story. in her mind she felt great because she knew him and
she loved him. his hand still lingers on her leg in her
mind. the songs they listened to bring back memories,
smells and experiences in a flood. the school play they
went to, even though it wasn't there school. the rides he
gave her every morning. the coat she slept him that was so
big and soft. that coat holds magic in it that only he
can unleash. he is magic and he contains something that
she dosn't understand. now she wants him again. she wants
him to be the boy next door, which before he was. she
wants his blunt truth shoved in her face again. the way he
knew everything about her and shoved the truth in her
face. shattered all her dreams and the intricate world she
created over the years. he smashed it with the truth in
one single night in the car at that gas station. the glow
of the lights hit him in such a light that he glowed. she
didn't want to hear the truth, but she knew it was true.
it was too hard, and know, she thought, he didn't like
her. this special moments she had alone with him and then
she saw him with all those other girls, and she was
nothing. he didn't need anyone and he was absolutely so
much. he looked so beautiful and he was so nice
and he was so funny. he could do anything and he did it
alone. he was the popular boy with no friends. she still
wants him and needs him. this strange desire for a boy
that will save her. he will make it right and without him
she is nothing. he is everything and enough for her to
have some. she wants him to hold her and complete her. he
just wants her body. she wants everything. his body, his
mind, everything that he is. how does he do it? he is
absolutely the perfect being that she can come up with. he
is so incredibly smart, everything that she has
ever wanted. when he is with her, she feels like she never
wants to leave. when he is gone, she can't think about
anything but him and she wants him back. she wants him
with her all the time. seeing him anywhere, just for an
instant is energy for her. knowing she will see him
gets her throught the day, and she goes to sleep dreaming
of being with him. she gives him all the keys too her
life. his voice is the singer in every song. his face is
burning a whole through her head. she can't get away from
this need to be with him. he is a rock for her and he is
so strong by himself. she thinks he needs her. this weak
thing thrown lifeless onto his shore. waiting to be taken
care of and to be fallen in love with. she can't help but
being desperate. she needs to know that he is ther for
her. if she can't have him, death is more
comforting then being alone.
and he, he dosn't know exactly what to do. he just
wants someone to sleep with. he knows she wants him and is
absolutely enthralled with his very living presence. he
can't let her get inside of him. she is pretty, but he
can't let that get inside of him. he grabs her beautiful
legs inside his little car. she sits there and he knows he
wants more and he dosn't stop. wanting something to fill
the void he so carefully guards inside of himself. that
emptiness inside of his soul. sex and lust fill it up.
then it empties like a broken pitcher. he needs
someone to fix him, but he is not going to let anyone in.
he knows everything about everyone, and he can't see
himself.
she lets go, and she slits her wrists. over and over
again. the bleeding stops, but inside she will never heal
from it. she becomes like him. deep holes in her body.
she dosn't know what they are from. she dosn't know what
caused them. she has explored every experience in
her life and the holes get deeper every day. it never gets
better. she wants to get better, but then she just hides
it all away. then, in acts of desperation she claws out to
the nearest person that is warm and loving. then she
crawls deep inside herslef again. pushing glass
under her skin and watching blood trikle down her arms.
before she knows it, everyone knows about her. she has
crawled so deep inside herself that she turned inside out
and everyone knows now. everyone knows her secret and she
isn't mysterious and magical. what can she do with these
bombs exploding inside of her? will she ever be normal
again? she tries to be like he was. quiet and reserved.
funny and outgoing. happy, with a mask to hide the burning
holes in his heart. she wants all that he had and she is
still holding on to him. when will she learn to be
herself? when will she grow up and be herself and let all
the bad stuff she has festered inside herself just slip
away and stop using them to get attention from people?
this sick and twisted way of getting friends and getting
attention is the only thing she knows. it is wrong and
sad, and she has to grow up even though she knows no other
road. she knows what she would say. she knows the
uncomfort in the truth. she knows that it is all about
attetion. she knows how sick that is. she knows
how exposed she is. that she has this crazy impulse to
tell everyone about her life, everything about it. she
wants to tell everyone. why? why is she so sick and so
hungry for attention? who cares if her parents were never
there? who cares if they never loved her or if they did
bad things to her? she is an adult living like a child
seeking attention and love. she must learn to get rid of
it and not feed it. like a wild beast, if you don't feed
it, it dies. she must kill these cravings to spill it
every chance she has. he would tell her that. if it
came out of his mouth instead of her own mind, it would
hold such power and strength, and she would try so hard to
achieve this. she must stop to become healthy. to become
like him.


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