monkey princess
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2001-12-20 09:22:01 (UTC)


Maybe I'm a bit paranoid. But I'm always taking those damn
pregnancy tests. I took a pregnancy test a couple of
months ago and it must have been the most tortorous 3
minutes of my life. Waiting for those pink parallel lines
to appear and inform me that my life has been fucked
forever. At least, that was my mind set back then. Having
a child was the next best thing to putting a shot gun to my
head and splattering my brains all over my lime-green tiled
kitchen. But let me tell you a secret now. I took another
pregnancy test today, just to appease my overly-paranoid
counterpart. Interestingly enough, I found myself quite
calm and collected. In fact, I felt pretty normal while I
shopped for my magic wand. And the anticipation that I
encountered during that 3 minute wait was strangely
followed by disappointment. Not that I wanted to be knocked-
up, and I'm happy about the results, but I did suprise
myself with this new emotion of lost...or maybe more like
what if? What if I were to have a baby, that wouldn't be
so bad. Only a couple of months ago this would have been a
dreaded day, a possibility of the end of my life as I know
it now. But now I can see it as the beginning of my new
life, an extension of all the beauty that already exists
within me. Fuck! Could this mean I'm growing up? Are
these motherly instints I'm experiencing? Am I catching
up to my age? Life! When you think you almost have it
figured out, it turns around and shits in your face. Oh
well, one more mystery to solve, one more treasure to
embrace and thousands of reasons to keep loving.

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