Courtney's Pages
Ad 0:
Try a free new dating site? Wiex dating
2001-12-20 08:46:01 (UTC)

My So Called Life

So today is my last day of finals week and then I have the
entire month off for Christmas. I cant wait to get out of
here. I thought the answer to my question about santa
bringing us new roommates was answered last week when she
said that she was moving out, but she hasn't said anything
about it since that day. That really sucks! I was so
happy for a few days there, but now I dont know what is
going on. I mean she could at least let me know if she is
going through with the move. I cant stand living with her
much longer. I wake up and either she is laying in bed or
she is bitching about something. that is my day. It is
getting to the point where last weekend I cried because I
knew I had to come back here. Poor Eric, I cried and cried
when he left that night and after I got of the phone with
him, I cried some more until I was too tired to cry. Then I
slept. I dont know. I didn't do well this semester and I
am not about to give up the way that my brother did, but I
dont know what is wrong with me right now. I guess knowing
how much my parents are going to flip when they see my
grades is one thing and apologizing to them for that and
telling them that I will make it up to them somehow and
that I will work harder is something that has been
bothering me. I didn't take things as seriously as I should
have and I know that it is all my fault and not because the
classes were hard. I dont know... I guess the fact that I
miss friends from home and camp is another thing that has
been bothering me lately too. Not only is this affecting
my emotions, like making me cry when I talk to friends from
home and when I think about them, but it has also been
affecting the way I sleep. I havent been able to go to bed
earlier than 2am on my own. I can't sleep now when it is
3:28 am and I have to take a test at 9. I dont know what
to make of it. I take sleeping pills, I sleep all day when
I dont take them and am up at all hours. I guess I am just
one big mess of a person who needs a break. Haha, just
think by the second week of being home I am going to want
to be back here at school. Its funny how things work like
that. I hate the fact that my parents are going to be
dissapointed with my grades. That really bothers me. I
know it is all my fault. I dont know if they will believe
me when I say that I am going to work harder and this and
that. I mean true I hated most of my classes this half,
but I dont see that as an excuse for what I did. I also
think that it sucks that it took me until it was too late
to realize that this isn't the joke that I thought it was.
I just piss myself off. I did this to myself in High
School too. I mean you think I would have learned.
Freshman years just must not be good years for me. But I
really want to stay on track next semester. I really want
to do well and make up for all of the stupid things that I
did this semester. I dont know if I can, but I am going to
try. I hope to be out of here in 3 and a half more years
but I dont think that is going to happen. I dont know how
to tell my parents that, but they will have to understand.
I have realized that I dont know how to tell my parents a
lot of things. I am always afraid to be a dissapointment.
I dont know why. I was never the smartest. My smartest
older brother is a college dropout who lives at home. You
would think that I dont have anything to worry about. I
dont know... I just hate to feel like I am not as good as
they think I should be, and I have always felt that way.
Now I am worrying about it again. The way I worried about
it when I was in 8th,9th and 10th grade. I got back on
track and started doing things for me and still managed to
do well, but now somehow I have gotten off track again.
The story of my life... I dont know. I hate how this
always has started when someone I care about has fallen ill
and death is impending. Yeah Aunt Minnie is still hanging
on, but watching her die is tearing me apart inside. Not
as much as my real grandmother's death did, but she is like
a second grandmother and I am starting to see the old trend
like when my grandma was sick kicking in again. I guess I
have to let my school work not be effected by my personal
problems. I have to learn that lesson. Until I can, my so
called life is going to be like it is now. Full of worry
and guilt and self dissapointment. I had better get to bed
so I can wake up for this test. I dont want to miss my
chance to up my grade in Dr. Luoungo's Art class. Good


yX Media - Monetize your website traffic with us