BlueTigerlily

Whispers along a path
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2001-12-20 07:07:12 (UTC)

First entry--"The storm that took hold before Christmas."

My grandmother passed away this weekend and my aunt, who
has breast cancer, went in the hospital with pneumonia.
Meanwhile, I am preparing for surgery at the end of the
week. I'll have to open up gifts one-handed. For the
record, I am a 29/F who recently went back to college. I
am about to graduate and have no idea what direction I want
to take my degree and I'm scared. My old line of work
wasn't working out and college was a way to stall, but it's
almost over. My fear is that I'll find out that I can't
make any more money with this degree than I did without. I
so desperately want to be able to support myself without
having to rely on my mother's help. Accepting my mother's
help makes me feel like a mooch, but I have no choice at
this time. I had to commit to finishing, which meant do
what you have to do and make up to people for their help
later-when you're in a better situation. *sigh* Everyone
in my family is starting to get illnesses. Cancer,
diabetes, strokes... I have been to 5 funerals this year.
I feel alot of pressure to enjoy this Christmas with all of
them like I've never enjoyed it before. 'Last chance' type
feeling. But the fallacy in all this is that death (or the
fear of death) is what is driving me to enjoy the holidays,
which is quite impossible. I cannot enjoy myself with
death on my mind. I think I have to find a different, more
positive viewpoint. And remember to breathe in and out.....


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