2001-12-20 06:33:52 (UTC)

i dont know what to do. i just..

i dont know what to do.

i just dont...

i am shivering.

no one makes me cry like you do.
i havent felt this way
in a long time
im scared now.
were going to break up over this.
that is my prediction.
i cant be okay with my gf being with another girl.
i already dealt with her cheating on me.
and i would be completly
and utterly
if i dealt with anything else
i dont even think that i could even deal
or even pretend to.
shes going to resent me.
so much.
if we stay together.
but when it comes to cara
she comes first.
and that means.
im not.
and honestly.
i dont think im okay just knowing that.
and i am so in love with this girl.
so utterly completly in love.
and i have given so much.
and this is the one thing i can not give her.
and its the thing that she needs most.
and she cant not see her.
and that means
we have to break up.
and yeah...
that kinda fucks with me
i dont understand.
i wish that this didnt fucking have to happen.
so much.
i have been so happy.
and i like being with her so much.
but after that
i couldnt be.
and i have been so good too.
i havent done anything with jennifer.
and if i had.
i know that she would have broken up with me.
which is why i do not understand
how she can expect me to be okay
with the same situation.
but now.
now its all fucked anyway.
because even if she doesnt see cara.
which i doubt will happen.
even if she doesnt though.
now theres the resentment thing.
and youknow
this all just sucks.
this sucks so much.
and it sucks that
just me loving her so much
isnt what really matters.
you know.
its just not anymore.
i am so cold right now.
i dont know why.
i shouldnt have cared this much
i really think i shouldnt have
because now
now im fucked.
now im going to get hurt.
i really thought that it would be okay
i really thought aht we would be okay
i really had so much hope for us
and for everything
no matter what people said
i fucked believe in us so much
and i feel like all of that
is just blown to shit now
and that really sucks
why why do i fucking care about people
i dont understand
i just dont
i care so much
ive done so much
and none of it matters now
i love her so much
so fucking much
i dient do anything with jennifer
and she went away to college and i thought i wasnt going to
see her forever and i did nothing
i coud have and i didnt
and that was becuase i wanted things to be good with emiy
and now now that doesnt matter at all
i did nothing.
and i didnt even resent emily for it
it was my decision
and i was so happy to make it
and actually try this time
and i did
so much i did so much much
so much
and i guess maybe i shouldnt have
maybe i shouldnt have at all
i dont know
i love her so much
ive been so happy
i havent cried in a while now
when we got together
she told me that i had nothing to worry about
because when they had gfs they didnt see each other
but now i guess thats different.
and i know i cant change things with her and cara
she didnt even have to tell me that for me to know
i guess that means that
shell break up with me.
to go see her.

tht kind of sucks for me a lot
i guess we are not enough

we were enough for me..
we still are.

until now.
i had a pretty good night..
good talk with christina.
im cold.

i am so cold.