a look at nothing

what i can never do
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2001-12-20 03:09:29 (UTC)


she was found dead that day, laying out on the balcony over-
looking the woods. the snow mingled with her deep red blood
and her upchuck, covered in the thick sent of alchohal. she
was wearing her band uniform and the crip blue white and
gold was completely ruined by her death. on her feet were
her well loved old boots, which she always said she would
wear until they died, or she did and on her head was the
red hat that had the same legacy.
next to her was a note, or many notes, all in seperate
envelopes, adressed to different people, and one to

"To who ever finds me: look, another one of them died, just
another soldier, in uniform, marching in step to the
cadence. what number is this today? how many made the same
decision before me, to take their life and end the pain.
get the feeling the youth are not happy? no, not happy, and
selfish enough to think this is right to do. y'know, i
always thought i could stop the pain for whoever i
met. 'the pain ends here' i used to say...i didnt want to
hurt anybody. i guess i am not strong enough to stop it
all, but i was not weak enough to let any of it through, so
this is what i did, i gave up. i am not proud of this
desision, but i will not take it back. i just needed to
sleep because i am very tired."

There were tear stains on this one.
"mommy and daddy: i am sorry, to you more than anyone else.
i do not want to cause this much pain to anyone, least of
all you. i just had to, i am so sorry. just know that this
was nothing that you did wrong. on the contrary, you did
more than everything right. if it were not for you being so
supportive i would have been dead long ago. i am sorry to
do this, but maybe i will see you too when you sleep...but
i hope that is not for a while. i love you."

And also on this one.
"Diego:i am so sorry. i love you, forever, remember that.
and do not blame yourself, it was none of your doing that
drove me to this, it was all me. i want you to go on and be
happy, you better, because i always knew you were stronger
than me, and if there is one thing i ever wanted, it would
be for you to be happy. so please, please try to be,
i know you will find someone who will make you more happy
than i ever could. i love you, my love, remember that, but
do not dwell on it."

There was $45 dollars in this one.
"Mr. Hickey: i am sorry about playing out of time in your
band, i am sorry for slacking off and i am sorry for the
band uniform. i hope this money covers it."

"Amanda Bradly: i thought about it, and i am sorry."

There was a list of names and phone numbers and dates.
"Vicky: i wish i could still be there to be your friend,
but it was too hard to live. i am sorry. tell everyone at
common ground that i luv them all, and to remember to find
someone else to coordinate the food. stay strong, one of us
all has to make it out, and i guess that leaves you, i am
sorry for dropping out. i know you will be something
wonderful, and will find someone that you love so do not
stop, this was a wrong desision for me to make. do not do
the same."

"To the school system: i am sorry i will not be attending
my classes from this day foward. just mark be truant for
the remainder of the year and i will serve the detentions
when i return."

"Jake: please to not let this ruin your childhood. i am
sorry for how wrong this is to do to you. try to be
helpfull for mommy and daddy and remember not to be
selfish, ever. try for me. you can have diablo II."

"Katie: look around and see the pain this breeds. do not do
it yourself, it is not worth all this that i will create,
all the pain that has been stored inside me is now
released. move away, and find somewhere that you will be
truely happy."

"Claud: i am sorry, i will miss talking to you. tell
imperial destiny that i will not be returning. GMC Cal to
save Jem then fall in love with her and train to be a
ranger along with kiya. GMC Nakkita to be a decent captain
until a desperate need arises then have her suicide to save
Naijick. luvs, i guess."

"Everyone at work: i am sorry but i will not be attending
work any longer. bill, use your bus theory and put becky
out on the floor everyday, give cryistal a raise and joey a
bird, teach lauren how to read. holly, remember, the kid
with the wierd hat did it."

"Clara: look who was in the real pain, enough not to want
to be saved!"

"All my family: i love you all. remember to use your money
not just for yourselves, and not to benifit any coporation
but to make a positive difference."

Her name was Naomi, but now she is dead.

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