niftyneil

words to die by...
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Ezoic
2001-12-19 20:17:08 (UTC)

lets start anew

now i feel the need to spew my guts all over the net...and
why? i guess i couldnt really tell you...all i know is
that im at a place in my life right now, where ive got a
lot on my mind...why not share it with the rest of the
world, right? so here goes:
im the type of person who has to have everything going my
way...i hate it when it doesnt. often, two seperate things
that i would like, conflict with each other, and these are
the times when, one way or another, i get screwed...this
time was certainly no exception. it all started about 5
months ago when i decided that the time has come to break
up with my then girlfriend of two years. she was on her
way to bigger and better things, transferring to berkeley,
while i was still stuck going to school in good ol' san
diego. her and i have been through the whole long distance
thing already, but not to that extent. i was worried about
not being able to see her on an everyday basis, or even an
everyweek basis...so i chickened out of our relationship.
i still loved her, but i took a risk, hoping that this
would somehow preserve our relationship. in a way, i didnt
trust myself...what with her being so far away, i didnt
want to jeopardize our relationship by doing something
stupid. although i really cared about her, a man can only
hold back so much when faced with temptation. of course
initially, this was a big problem for her...she wanted to
stay together...but i knew that it would be too hard for
us. i wanted to have something to go back to...so
selfishly i let her go. but soon after she left, i
realized that i missed her...alot. i tried to meet new
girls, but no one could ever measure up. she always found
out about what i was up to, and this upset her because she
figured that i had moved on. really, i just didnt want to
let her know that i had made a huge mistake. i could
easily put up with the long distance thing if it meant that
i could still be with her...anything was better than my
life without her. so i tried to last for the rest of the
semester...pining away, waiting for the day when she would
come back home for the holidays. i held back a lot during
this time...i didnt date or meet anyone new...i simply took
the time to be myself. i realized that the things that she
was finding out about were only hurting my chances of
getting back with her...so i stopped altogether. because
the communication between the two of us was pretty much non-
existent during most of the semester, i really didnt know
what she was up to. i figured that school was school and
nothing more, i mean it is berkeley. roughly 3 weeks ago,
it was my birthday. still on non-speaking terms with her,
she sends me an e-card to greet me...i was surprised. a
day or two later, she imed me, asking if i received the e-
card...so we started to talk. it was nice. i havent heard
from her in so long, that i was ready to take anything that
she was willing to give to me. in the next few weeks, wed
try to talk and catch up on aim every so often. this made
me happy. i thought maybe she had been feeling the same
way i have, and maybe she was just waiting to get home
after the semester to see me too. a couple of days ago, i
talk to another friend of mine who goes to school up in
berkeley too. he asked me to call him so i figured that it
was important. in more or less words, he informs me that
my exgirlfriend, whom i have been anxiously awaiting, may
have a new boyfriend. this completely caught me off
guard. i mean, here i am, waiting for her...thinking that
she was doing the same, but really, shes found a new guy.
i was mad. i was mad because i had missed my chance. i
was mad because i threw it all away. i was mad because she
wasnt thinking about me. i was mad at myself...


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