Another lost soul

Caste Shadows
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2001-12-19 16:34:28 (UTC)

Nothingness continues

Its morning. I still feel empty... no, empty isn't the
right word. I felt empty when I was depressed but even that
was something. I feel nothing now. I put all of my trust,
hope, and love into Whitney and she doubts me. I can't
handle that anymore. It feels so strange not feeling a
thing. When I felt empty, I hurt myself to feel something
again. It won't work this time. I wonder if I will ever
feel again. Even thinking of my wonderful Taylor brings me
nothing. That just shocks me more. I think I'm dead.

A few days ago, my good friend Elizibeth finally came back.
I was shocked there too. And I was actually happy again
after a long period of constant conflict and sadness. I
long for even that over nothingness. At least one can pull
out of sadness. I've never felt this way before and I don't
know how permanent it really is. I want to feel love for my
Taylor again. I want to be happy with my friends. And I
want to feel sad when something bad happens.

I guess a person can only take so much feeling. I am very
emotional... used to be very emotional. It reminds me of
one of those generic AI movies about a robot trying to be
human. I still have my mind though. My mind is telling me
that I should be feeling sad and that its awful not to.

I am going to see Lord of the Rings with some old high
school buddies today. I'm going to enjoy myself. Or so I
keep telling myself.

..... every so often I can feel faint traces of something...
I think its fear. Fear is the strongest emotion a human can
feel. Its stronger than even love (which is the second
strongest). I need to try and latch onto that fear when I
feel it again. But my mind tells me not to. I just want to
feel something. Maybe I finally have become what I've put
myself down as for so long: a horrible person. I mean,
damn. I can't even feel. Caring is a feeling. That means
I don't care anymore except in my thoughts.

I am running circles. I will stop. I wonder how Whitney is
doing. I wonder if she will still send my letter. I would
like her to, but... something tells me its not coming. She
got mine. I wonder if she will take the time to read it. I
don't know what to think anymore.