Self harming dyke
2001-12-19 14:22:07 (UTC)

sparkling blood

Today's mood: Bored
Today's song: "Bongo bong" - Manu Chao
How many cuts yesterday: 6 on tummy, about 15 on wrist.

I suppose starting something like this I should introduce
myself first. Also, having given this diary the kind of
title I have done, I need to introduce that part of me.

I self harm on a regular basis. I am not looking for
sympathy about this, I just can't tell anyone "real", so I
have decided to write my feelings about it all here. I cut
my left wrist (where I can hide it with my watch strap)
with a razor blade. I mostly do this when I am annoyed
about something I have said or done or even thought. It is
maybe not the best way to deal with things, but it gets me

I am bisexual, I think. I don't really approve of labels,
but I have always had sexual relationships with both sexes,
so that makes me bisexual. If I fancy someone, it is
usually only because they are in charge of me and are
really nice to me anyway. I think this is linked to my
depression, but my psychologist gave up after 1/2 an hour,
when he realised that I was asking him more about him than
he was about me. We didn't get around to actually sorting
out any of my problems because he had too many of his own.

The only person who I really feel that I can trust and talk
to about my cutting is my doctor. Incidentally, I am also
in love with her. I cannot tell her this though, so she
can't help me with that one! I am now in Belgium and she is
still in the UK, so I miss her a lot.

What else? I have a very loving and stable family and am a
success academically. People do not understand why I have
such mood swings that result in me locking myself in my
room for hours on end. They think that I am being childish
or something. I know that I would take my frustration and
hurt out on others if I didn't hide, though. I get so low...

I think that is enough for now. I will write again soon and
try to explain the cutting.

Cat x
*sprinkles christmas fairy dust around the world and