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2001-12-19 10:43:18 (UTC)

Laugh Damn You!

I saw this and just had to share...


December 1st
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small
band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed
as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not
this year). However, from now on we're calling it
our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no
Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 3rd
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I
put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be
anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members
feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director


December 7th
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest
to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will
have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table.
Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director


December 9th
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to
our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces


December 10th
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to
hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or
not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill
of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell


December 14th
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In
the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

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