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2001-12-19 06:27:58 (UTC)

A phone call...

He called me tonight and we played phone tag for a while...
so hard to have a conversation when he is driving and I am

But he said he missed me and he put the picture of us I
framed for him on top of his computer. Sweet. :)

I miss him.
My parents.. good grief. They keep telling me I should date
around, especially since he doesn't live here anymore,
but.. I don't WANT to. I only want him. They say they like
him and yet they still want me to find someone else. Go
I'd marry the man if he'd let me.

I guess I should kinda explain myself a little bit.
I'm a 17 yr old who has fit enough - emotionally - into
her life to be 30, but socially about enough to be 12.
I was homeschooled and never had many friends.. just a
few, and all long distance.
Of the things that shape my existence there is my huge
family.. 9 kids and many fosters along the way. Now 2
brothers-in-law also and an ex-boyfriend/foster brother who
is coming back to visit before he gets married. Strange.
We were all homeschooled and I have this genius of a mom
who is the best mom I could ask for but had an issue filled
child hood.. she never left it behind and I grew up
watching her behavior. That's the only thing that causes
problems in my relationship now.

I'm struggling to figure out what I want in life right now.
College? Maybe, but for what? I don't want to teach and my
only interests are English and Performing Arts.. both of
which are huge gambles when it comes to careers.
I want to be independent and yet my entire existence seems
to depend on this guy, the love of my life.

Oh, the exboyfriend... he ruined me. Big time. He dragged
me under with him and I became suicidal and a self-injurer
and scared of men because he was emotionally abusive in a
somewhat sexual way. Agh.

Now I've got this amazing... amazing man.
And he was the one who pulled me out of being afraid. And I
swore to myself I would never hurt myself again because I
discovered that it hurts him too.
And I've always written poetry, let's not forget that.
I sing, too.

And now I write poetry about him
And sing FOR him

And he moved 300 miles away on Sunday.

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