Another lost soul

Caste Shadows
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2001-12-19 06:22:58 (UTC)

Stripped away...

"I don't trust you"

The words echo in my empty thoughts. I told Whitney that
she hurt me by saying that. Hurt wasn't the proper word. I
feel hurt no more. I feel nothing. I have been hurt too
much. My friends have never stayed with me. They all leave
eventually. I wonder what I have done that was so wrong.
But what is wrong is me. I am wrong. I trust Whitney
completely. She doubts me. I told her everything. She got
upset. I love her. She puts up with me. "Love blinds
people" she told me. Blinds from what? I wonder. Is it
because I love her that she doesn't trust me? Or is it
because of him?

Him. I hate him. I hate what he did to Whitney. I hate
that she is still so close to him. I hate that she is still
fooling herself sometimes. He doesn't deserve her. He
ruined her. And now he is ruining me. He is the reason
Whitney doesn't trust me. All of his words have made it so.
Whitney was so happy with me. I made her so happy. I made
her feel like she mattered. She gave me the same. But it
is all gone. "I don't trust you." I don't know how to feel
anymore. There was a time when I would be crying bitterly
and hating myself. Now there is just a vast void of
neutral. I can't feel.

Something in the back of my mind keeps clawing at me. It
tells me that I am hurting people by leaving them. I listen
to the clawing. I know that people will be hurt. I will
talk to them again. Tell them goodbye before they can tell
me goodbye. At least they won't be sentenced to a life of
wondering. I am always wondering. But I will no longer
think too much ahead. I am here and now and I must focus.
The wind changes direction. It is unpredictable. As is
life. I will follow the wind.

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