the expunged refuse of my evil mind
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2001-12-19 05:53:24 (UTC)

the way of the emotion

every day is a new feeling. nothing is ever the same. I
used to remember certain periods of my life by how i
felt, specifically, what i felt. it used to be periods of hate,
then self hate, then just lonliness (that was a big one). I
duno why i do this, its just me i guess. but now, its just
a large spectrum of perpetual boredom. I feel so done
with life, just like my life is in a total rut that cant be dug
out of. I thought that i could get myself out by getting a
girlfriend, but the fact of the matter is, i felt further from
anyone when i had a girlfriend, then when i was alone. I
cant stand the feeling of not having anyone. I guess
thats part of my boredom. im bored of not connecting
with anyone. I used to connect with alex. when she
came, i felt like a part of me returned. a part of me went
right, when i chose to go left. speaking of alex, the day
she came, i was so happy, even if i diddnt get to see
her, just the fact that she was there, closer to me then
had been in a long time. I felt so releived in some ways,
but a new anxiety settled in. When i finnaly got to see
her, i felt like the all the good in my life was returning. i
felt like i was complete, somewhat. i waited for 2 hours
for her and shonee, but i would have waited five. i was
stupid, lol, i went an hour early and they were an hour
late. i had no bad feelings, but all i was thinking while
they werent there, was that they ditched me. i always
think that when people are late, and it always disturbs
me, and makes all of my fears of lonliness a reality. but
it was all so much better when they came. i loved that i
got to see her, and shonee, i need to hang out with him
more. but i kinda wished that he wasnt there,i wish that
i could have had a little more time alone with her, in a
good talk. shes the only one that i feel that i can talk to
openly and freely without any lies, or deceptions to
keep the real me in. but i understand why shonee was
there, if i was him, i would try to get every waking
moment that she was here to be with her.

ugh, i hate circumstances, i wish i could change them
with the power of my mind, but unfortunately for me and
6 billion other people, that is just an impossibilty.