someone_maybe

of little importance
Ad 2:
2001-12-19 04:01:48 (UTC)

my (un)usual random babble from my disorganized so called mind

too all who have responded to my entries: thanks a lot for
your responses. i really appreciate them. i'll read your
diaries if you've sent me the names as soon as i can and
respond to them too.

and now for something completely different. (not really, i
just felt like throwing that in there to change the
subject.)

anyways...

still haven't talked to adam. allen is doing semi-okay.
talked to bry both last night and tonight and i'm going to
call him tomorrow. he's...i don't know how to describe him
right now. he seems really afraid that he's going to lose
may. i hope that doesn't happen as they are cute
together. but our conversations have gotten really deep.
not that that's a bad thing, but it kinda worries me what
he may be thinking. didn't talk to lin today...i think i
was supposed to call her earlier, but i forgot so i hope i
wasn't. kaydren was there tonight and loved her gift. "we
think alike" she says. cool. elizabeth is still distant,
but it's the same thing that's always wrong so if she wants
to talk she can come to me i'm done trying to fix things
and people not acting like they want them to be fixed. i'm
worried about megan. her family's going through so much
right now. and if nicole says one more insensitive thing
like that i will personally duct tape her mouth shut.

duct tape: man's substitute for god's nails

i had a dream last night that tanner was free. it was
wonderful. i was so happy when i woke up. it seemed so
real. and then when i realized it was a dream, i almost
started to cry. it hurt so much inside. it's like this is
wrenching my heart from the very thin cords that hold it
inside of me. it strained so much to be free of them i
almost thought it would succeed. but i didn't cry.

onto something else...

i want to cry but i can't not in front of you
you see the very thing is that you just wouldn't want me to.

There was a silence in the air so definite i could hear it.
I could feel it's icy fingers running down my back;
I could taste it's heartless laughter in my throat;
And that's when i realized that the silence...
Was me.

questions:
if all i am is yours and i lose you then have i lost myself
too? or did i lose myself when i gave it all to you and
now i'm getting the used me back? can something be right
but wrong just for the time being? and if so, how do you
know when it's right again? how does one become a best
friend? is it official when it's said? or is it implied
the entire time? or perhaps both? does it make it harder
to keep that closeness once it's made "official"? or
easier? or both? do thoughts travel in circles or
spheres? or are they just one continuous line? are there
really any dead ends or one way streets? or does it all
depend on what you decide to make them?

-s_m


Ad:2