Little Bird

Private Babbling
2001-04-07 03:40:53 (UTC)

She came home last night, I..

She came home last night, I could tell she was all strung
out on that shit she does with her friends from work. I
feel like a housewife, her wife. I stay home and watch our
collective kids and she goes out with ‘them’ on all kinds
of adventures. Sure, I get to go out every once in a while
but usually behind her back and I feel guilty leaving my
kids with her. I know how much fun she has when she goes so
I feel like I’m holding her back by dropping them off with
her.
Anyway, she comes downstairs and leans over the bed. ‘Are
you awake?’ she whispers almost too loudly.
‘Kinda’ I wipe the sleep from my left eye. It’s been
bothering me since the car accident.
‘Hey, want me to tell you something?’
Sarcastically I’m thinking, ‘Yeah, tell me about how much
fun you had and how hung over you feel. I never hear it too
much.’ But I just look at her, half interested, in case she
wants to back out of the major news flash.
‘I’m at a quandary here.’ Okay, nothing new to me there.
Silence. I half expect her to tell me again about the guy
she loves and the men she lusts over. We both have that
problem, having realized at the wrong time in our lives, or
theirs depending on how you looked at it, which males we
wanted to be with. As we sit and stare past each other I
can still smell the perfume she chose earlier in the night.
At this point I’m half expecting her to lay beside me and
start babbling ‘I love you, you know that right?’ I hate
when she does that. It makes me even more self-conscious
and leaves me wondering what she really means. I should
call her on it one day but I’m predestined to be afraid of
change. We already tried living without one another, to no
avail.
She leans even closer to my face. I recognize the daring
look on her face. She once tried this move, or one like it,
on the man I love. He was hanging over the back of her seat
as I drove my huge car down a dark country road. If he had
taken the bait I would have killed them both. Well, we were
just kids back then. We’ve both done some pretty bold
things to spite (or test?) the will of this friendship.
Just as I was thinking about society’s views on lesbianism
in America she licked her lips. I’m always thinking deep,
emotional, messy things. I think it’s an escape for me. Why
did she have to wake me in the middle of the night to make
no sound other than mysterious whispers and lips smacking?
She makes me crazy sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, if you
could see her you’d know what I am talking about. I love
men, god do I love them, but when she’s around they become
second best. It’s hard to explain. I don’t want to make
love to her per say. I just get so jealous and possessive I
can’t help it. I think I make the right decision, to stay
home, when she goes out with ‘them’.
I guess I should add that we did have relations once but it
really sucked because a guy that we had ‘fought’ over for
years was involved and I was married at the time. I was
faithful to my husband for almost the whole time we were
married. It was that night that really changed things for
me. My heart was saddened and I let everything go to Hell.
‘Your tired, we can talk in the morning.’ It was all I
could offer. My throat was feeling dry.
‘Sssshhhh!’ she glanced around the room with squinted eyes,
her face was almost comical.

‘Why don’t you lie down. Your making me nervous.’ sweat
started to moisten my hair as I had flashbacks of ‘that
night’ and all the things I wish I would have done when I
had the chance. I had thought of that exact night over and
over before it even happened and I blew it.
‘Why are you so jumpy all the time?’ She knew why. She just
wanted to get me to smile. All I could do now was think of
how bad I messed up, as mentioned, before and all the
things she had told me she didn’t like about different
lovers. I was feeling pressured to do something, anything
but I was afraid it was just the ‘stuff’ she was on that
was making her like this or maybe she had met someone at
the club, not wanting to be slutty she sent him home alone…
she gets home feeling a little ‘hot’ and I’m the only one
here.
‘I’m not jumpy. I’m waiting for you to tell me how things
went. Did you get anything pierced?’ My hand brushed her
hair away from her ear gingerly. I’m not moving very fast
after the trauma I’ve had the past two weeks.
‘It was fun but I missed being here. I thought I wanted to
go out but it’s not the same when I know you are here with
the kids.’ She finally backed off and lay beside me.
‘How does this feel?’ She was fingering the bandage
covering my cast.
‘Alright I guess.’ It had days when it felt normal and days
when it hurt like a son of a bitch. ’Are you going to talk
or just fidget?’
‘ I just wanted to let you know that I wish you could go
with us, it’d just be weird and I don’t think you’d really
like it.’
I know she means well when she says stuff like this but it
just comes out bad. All I could muster was a sigh that
sounded like a slightly wounded animal. That’s about how I
felt too.
My mind started to wander again. She still hadn’t answered
the question floating heavy between us. ‘So, you woke me up
in the middle of the night to tell me you missed me?’ To my
surprise tears started to build behind my sleep swollen
eyes.
‘No.’ It was a simple enough no but I searched her eyes for
more.
‘Then why are you here? Couldn’t sleep or something? You
seem a little wound up. If you want to talk…’
With an energy that sounded almost angry she moved
closer. ‘The only reason I am down here, that I am home so
early, is because I thought you missed me as much as I
missed you! Did you?’
I just stared at her in disbelief. I have rarely been known
to be aggressive. I leave the dirty work for her. I am much
more at home sulking and brooding until someone comes along
kisses it and makes it better.
‘You always talk about being a pony. You seem to know the
ins and outs of crazy fetishes and that way of life and yet
you hide it all from me. I have known you the longest. I
have been here for you and yet, you won’t let me into your
life. I don’t know if I can live like this any more. I want
to be able to live freely but you make me feel like I have
to walk on eggshells around you. Enough!’
I don’t know what I did or didn’t say but it obviously
upset her again. Maybe I’m getting tired of loving people
who can’t just bite the bullet and love me back. It seems
like the ones that think they love me are crazy. Like when
I’ve known someone for a couple days and they’ve decided
they are going to marry me. I’m wondering if anyone really
does know what’s going on in my head.

forget it. i will just sit here and cry...i don't even
really know why


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