Just somewhere to say things
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2001-12-18 04:16:37 (UTC)

what I'm feeling

Mixed emotions would be the proper term for this.
Happy, Sad, upset, worried, and probably a few others. My
mother called yesterday, told me that they wanted to move
our christmas back a day, and I told her I could not do it,
and she tried to throw this guilt trip at me. I told her
not to, and she says she's wasn't, but I could tell by the
way she said "whatever......I'll tell your grandmother you
won't be there" that she was disapointed. This will likely
be the first Christmas with the family I'll have missed. I
didnt' want to, I love seeing my family, but I have other
responsibilities now. Even though she isn't my girlfriend
or Fiance, or wife, and her daughter isn't mine, I feel
like I have to treat them as if they are. Sometimes I feel
like I'm getting the shaft in this, but it's who I am I
guess. I don't think I could tell her no. I do love her,
and I do care for her daughter a great deal. They are my
family, even if they aren't my child and my wife.
I don't know what I'm going to do about this. I know
I'm going to go to her family's for Christmas, and she
wants to go to a friends in OH for new years, though I'm
not that thrilled, but if it happens I'll live. Afterall,
I left something up there the last time I was there and I
want it back. Anyways, back on subject.
The feelings I'm getting are for two reasons. One, is
that I look at her, and get this feeling, that all I'm ever
going to be to her is just a friend, and now just a
roomate. Someone that is going to support her till she can
find someone to love and be the father of her kids, and
then she will be gone. Whether any of that is true or not
is yet to be seen, it's just a gut reaction and something
my mind tells me. secondly, I'm pissed at me for leting
this get to me. I realize that if I do let this get to me,
the worse off I'm going to be, and the more misserable I'm
going to feel. I make me miserable, I have for a long
time, and it has to stop before I can ever ask her to love
me. She is living her life, and I'm trying to stay out of
the parts of it I don't belong in, though I'm hoping that
one day I might belong........the two I'm trying to stay
out of are her sexual and romantic life. I could care less
about the sexual for the moment, yes it urks me some when I
think that she's in the room next to me, and having sex,
but I get over that quick. What I want into mroe right now
is her romantic life. I want to go out, just her and I, I
want to enjoy some time with her, alone, just us. I want
to show her that I'm not just the goofball that I sometimes
act to be, I want her to see that I am capable of being
everything she's looking for, and I can't do that typing on
this blasted thing, and I can't do that sitting on my ass
feeling sorry for myself, but I also won't do that when
she's got someone else here that is trying to do the same
thing. I feel foolish, like I'm trying to compete with
someone else when they are around and I vi for her
attention as well. I just sit, and wait, be social to
them, and hopefully, soon, I will have the chance to be
alone, and her and I can go out, and enjoy ourselves. I
don't know it she'll consider it a date, but to me it will
be at least a step in the right direction.