Sanity Online
2001-12-18 02:32:13 (UTC)

emotional rollercoaster

I always used to pride myself on being the one that would
talk shit whenever I got the urge. But I don't think I
ever lived up to my reputation. I cannot stand up for
myself to save my life usually. Why can't I ask Michael
what is going on? Why? Why do I clam up and become
the "perfect girlfriend" that he walks all over? He just
wants to flirt and get laid. Why did he ever say that he
really liked me? I just feel like it was all a big lie.
He goes out all the time and flirts with all these girls
and I bet I don't cross his mind one minute. When will I
find a guy that just wants me???? He was so fucking
perfect and I feel like I drove him off. What did I do
wrong? And why do I keep blaming myself? Alida keeps
telling me I'm too good for him. Well damn, am I too good
for every guy b/c every guy does this to me. The emails he
used to write were so sweet. Now I don't even get
anything. He never calls or answers the phone. I wonder
if he is cheating on me. I want to go home soooo
badly....if I wasn't in this hellhole of Texas I could be
at home and I could be with him and things would be so
good. Why why why.... I have never bitched or nagged or
anything....even when I was treated like shit, I blew it
off. So when I make one comment, he jumps on me. I think
he is going to break up with me...I just know it. And I
got his Christmas present and everything... hell, maybe
when he looks at it, he'll realize what he's going to lose
if he does that. I think I'm a good girlfriend, I do. I
watch football, I'm friends with the guys, I can keep up
with them drinking beer in the Quarter... What in the hell
went wrong? What is going through his head? Does he want
to be able to just go out and fool around? Why would any
guy want that over a good girl that they know will be
there? Why can I not find a guy like James, Jason, Pat,
Ryan, John, Gus....I am going to be the only one without a
guy. The ONLY one. How depressing. I think I have
something wrong with me that guys just can't be with me for
more than three months. The only one beating down my door
right now is Jim...and I just can't look at him like that.
The thought of him in that kind of way just turns me off so
bad. I don't know what I saw in him originally...he's too
much of a frat boy I think. If Michael doesn't call
tonight, or answer if I call him, I'm going to write him an
email to give him something to think about and cross my
fingers it all works out. Wish me luck on my exam
tomorrow...god I just want to graduate already!!! 153