Small and Confused
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2001-12-18 01:30:35 (UTC)


Well, what did i do today, well i got up late, and didnt goto college again. Its a horrible place, no one wants to talk to you or even know you, so i dont spend time there unless its compulsery. Didnt goto bed till 4am as i was in a state, so i sat up on the internet and talked to dann. We are gonna do a project together starting 2moro making random noises and recording them on his fourtrack, should b fun and take my mind off my life.

Had a driving lesson that was good, learned to change gears and stuff, had a nice little drive around. The bloke sez im doin good cuz ive only had 3 lessons so far.

I came back in and made the foolish mistake of deciding to goto town just as all the people were coming out of school so was crammed on a bus with loads of year 7s. V smelly loud. I brought mouldy peaches album, which i had heard and liked very much at bens house a couple of days earlier.

When i got back i had to get ready 4 the presentation evening at the science park to get my A level certificates, even tho the grades i got arnt worth caring about really. I got to see kamajit which was good cuz i miss her allot and we had a chat about life. Joe was there which wasnt easy, had to sit next to him cuz we were in the same form. The presentation was boring, just some bloke preching about not wasting your oppoutunitys. I went to the pub with joe and met up with al ant vaj chloe paul and john.played sum pool. Joe kept trying to talk about stuff that went on, but i really wasnt in the mood. Talked to al abit too.
The every one else went home, leaving me to talk to joe. I talked about lots of stuff but it still seems like im talking to a brick wall sometimes. He was saying stuff like he needed me but not in a realtionship but as a friend. But it seems like with me and joe, it was allways hard to know where the friendship ended and other stuff started, this is what makes me soo confused. He belives that he needs me, surely that means more than a friend. Because your friends are there and you like them, but you dont need them in the way that joe describes. Im so confused by it all, i dont know what to think. The thing is i dont want to feel used. but i seem to. Why do i love him so much, i dont know what it is about him, but if he can say things like he needs me, surely there has 2 b more there. I know he was unhappy with the relationship, because it felt uncomfortable for him, but it never feels right all the time. I just dont know what to say to him anymore. I really dont think im flogging a dead horse, because if there was nothing there on his part he wouldnt give a toss about me now. ive seen him operate before. I just hope he learns to think about things more.
Helena xxxx

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