ILLbred50

NO LONGER PUBLIC

WHat is it?
What is it that i'm looking for...and why does it pass
when found.

I had a good couple of weeks. Constant talkation with
people, basicly feeling loved blah blah, feeling
wanted/appreciated.

Part of this spawns from spending time with
dave/grover/schiller/jessy gamecubing it up or other
things. Then there's interaction with other social beings
such as becky/emily/mcghire/jeff/melnick/blah blah. But
then, you're out of the Loop.

The constant loop

Like, i work or don't see dave/rob for two days, and they
don't call me to do shit, go anywhere, etc. They basicly
played Melee until it was beat, a joint effort between the
three of us until of recent.

Sometimes standing there, listening to them talk, just
makes me want to get new friends. Friends that aren't so
self involved...that must repeat every FUCKING inside joke
over and over again to prove some self worth. I mean, i'm
sure it works for them, but outsiders who look on, (me),
have no idea what the hell is going on, just pushes me
away, it's a tool of ignoring.

So, here i am, with this social bullshit. I am starting
to care too much, i don't know why.

And now, when i need people most...since i guess i want to
take a chance at a film career, i'd need
actors/conspirators/contributions from people. College
time is headin' up...and oh yeah, 'tis monday and i didn't
learn these songs that BRIAN WEAVER wanted me to learn, so
i'm not going.

But that's really just an excuse.

It'll be more of the same...it never changes...that's why
it's a loop. Just crap about "virtual boy" or some song
or some stupid phrase schille made up concerning Ted
Keller that now has evolved into a song.

Yes, yes, u can detect a hint of jealusy. That none of
these things involve me, and that if i where involved, i'd
obviously wouldn't be writing this. But hey, i'm starting
to get somehwere.

So, today, i bought a dreamcast. I also made this journal
private, to make sure not to get bullshit from those i;m
writing about. I guess now i see what life for bamberger
is like.

Following the bamberger model, a social life exists with a
group of 2-3 people, and perhaps a girl. Bamberger used
to hang out with us and others for quite a time, but
recently, as in, high school, he drew more distant. Maybe
he didn;t want to put up with all this crap. I mean, in
order to be "popular" u need to become a mindless people
pleaser. I see it in dave all the time, mostly because he
basicly makes fun of lots of people to others, says strong
things, etc., and then completly folds/lies/changes in
front of said person. It's ingenius when used correctly
and can get one ahead i guess...but...it;s just too fake,
too worthless.

DAH

oh goody my dad's home...
means i'll be gettin' off soon.

So...alright that was my mother.

On to other things, i will in all honesty attempt not to
immerse myself in the social battlefield, i'd rather
develope my flash skills.

So, with that off my chest, basicly, i don't like my
friends, basicly all of them.

CURRENT STATUS:
This is private, no one will ever read this.

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